Dappan koothu…….

The title of this post was a very funny song that gaya introduced me to, and ever since I’ve had to hold my stomach and LOL’ed so hard whenever I’ve hear this song. Non-Tamizh readers can at least relate to the weird lyrics and beats. Some Tamizh readers can identify the voice and that is none other than our so-called-multi-talented-multi-faceted roachstar chimbu! Now before the All-India-Roachstar-Fans-Association burn my effigies, I’ll get into the real reason behind this post. Some time ago I announced my existence and promised to post about my flop-a-thon experiences. Over the past few weeks I have realized the potential of bad cinema and the service it does to mankind. These movies tiltilate the masses with scantily clad heroines prancing around in their high heels, crass comedy, vulgar dialogs, bad actors with constipated expressions, amateur music directors, freestyle-aerobics-type-choreography, gaudy make up, oh I could go on. But then what goes noticed is the employment opportunities they create.

I’d even stick out my neck and claim that the railways comes a close second to this “Industry” in being the single largest employer. The railways may have more bihari-babus on their payroll but in terms of working hands the “Industry” is way ahead. Such selfless service to mankind inspite of repeated box-office failures is truly praise worthy and shall not go unnoticed. Ladeej and Juntalmen, It’s my honour to present the first ever ‘Dandanakka Awards’ for the year 2008, celebrating ineptitude in cinema. Below are the various categories and winners.

• Most forgettable debut of the year: This without an iota of doubt has to goto the multi-talented-self-proclaimed-genius Himmes bhai or ‘aech-aar’ as he is fondly called for portraying 258 constipated expressions in a single frame. Amongst the females, the award goes to ‘Bottomless Khan‘ for bringing white shirts into vogue. Don’t be surprised if your boyfriend buys you one of those and sets up a sprinkler system in the garden.
• Most painful lyrics of the year: This award had to goto the title song of the movie ‘Shakalaka boom’. Those who want to contest this award will have to explain the meaning of the phrase shaka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka, Shaka laka boom boom. It first appeared to be a cheap take on the Thalaivar’s laka laka laka from Chandramukhi, However I realised it was a product of Himessing.
• Cochlea damaging music of the year: Well the lejund of b-grade moosik was back with a bang this year after having sung some surprisingly good songs for V&S in Taxi 9211 and ARR in Guru. It’s a pleasure to announce this years award to the person who instated this category in the first place. Ladeej and Juntalmen it is none other than the great Bappida for making our ears bleed to his tunes for the movie ‘Gadha Mar Gaya‘.
• Unsupporting actors award: Jayaji makes a rather surprising entry into the world of horrible cinema, but for sewing rags every time she wants to cry(which was always!) and kicking her elder daughter out of the younger ones wedding, we give the award to her so-called stellar performance in ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘. The Deols have always been patrons of bad cinema and Bobby continues the legacy with his painful performances in ‘Shakalaka Boom’ and ‘Jhoom Barabar Jhoom‘. Sadly both movies were about dancing, a virtue that is alien to the men of the Deol household. If any of you wish to contest my choice then don’t forget there was ‘Kaun hain Jaisalmer‘, ‘Naqaab‘ and ‘Apne‘ as well.
• Forgetful comeback of the year: This is my favorite for it goes to an actor who himself forgot it was his comeback appearance. In a year of comebacks right from Govinda to Madhuri, also claimed to have seen Jugal Hansraj making a brief appearance in ‘Naaja Bachle‘. Somebody please tell him that he was in the movie.
• Unbearable actor of the year: It’s been a wonderful year for bad cinema with some good actors also making handsome contributions. For his role of a sleepy eyed writer called ‘Doc’ in ‘Kaash‘ and the most unbearable portrayal of ‘Heeru’ in ‘RGV ki Bhaag‘, the years most prestigeous award goes to national award recipient Ajay Devgan. Amongst the women Rani Mukherjee takes the cake for completing a hattrick of tawaif roles with ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘ and ‘Saava variya‘, ‘Uncle Gaandey‘ being the first.
• Most treacherous film of the year: This was the easiest and a unanimous choice, setting the trend for bad movies. It’s become a cult movie of sorts drawing parallels to movies like Gunda and Loha. Bhaiyon aur unke Beheno put your hands together for RGV and his Bhaag, as this year’s winner for the award of the most treacherous film of the year.
• Most Disgruntled Director of the year: After making a movie like ‘Black Friday‘ that earned its place amongst the best of the year, Anurag Kashyap doesn’t satisfy the connoisseurs of bad cinema by dishing out a movie like never before and never again. Probably 10 years from now, audiences may understand the movie after watching it 20-30 times but it went over my head after a dual encore. Without an iota of doubt the award for this year goes to Anurag Kashyap for ‘No Smoking‘.
• Out-of-sync Singer of the year: There are singers and then there is Himes Bhai. But then there is a man who is a level higher than everyone, he is none other than the pappi-chor Mika Singh. For parading poetry recitation and synchronized dialogs as singing, the award goes to Mika for ‘Aye Ganpat‘ from ‘Shootout at Lokhandwala‘.
• Unplayable screenplay of the year: For the most construed series of events unfolding in the name of cinema with cliched indo-brit sentiments and an underdog story that defies logic with potbellied men running across a football field, the award goes to the team of ‘Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal‘.
• Horrendous actor in a negative performance: This category had many promising nominees, but then the youth in me is biased towards the shockingly endowed and allergic to apparel, Mona/Sherlyn Chopra. Here I wish to clarify that it’s not for the reasons mentioned above but for her role as a psychotic, mentally ill and serial killing whore in the film ‘Red Swastika‘. You might be thinking “who is he trying to fool”, lekin sach keh raha hoon…. lol!
• Non-Existent story of the year: It has been a fantastic year for bad cinema with great names doing the needful, and Sanjay Leela Bhansali has condescended to give us a story that begun and ended without any change. It takes sheer talent and great dedication to write a story that spans three hours and yet leaves everything like it was, untouched. We need to encourage such manuscripts and they shall serve as inspiration to the millions of small time writers. Please join me in applauding SLB for his commendable contribution to bad cinema and giving us India’s first blue film.
• Intolerable actor in a comic role: There were plenty of hopefuls for this award, cheap and crude humor being the forte of bad cinema. Please don’t accuse me for being a bhakta of sleaze, but I am tempted to give the award to Rakhi Sawant for exposing the casting couch that exists in the industry. When someone fornicates with not one but four corpses under the pretext of struggling in ‘Gadha mar gaya‘, it sure is funny and worthy of praise.
• Lifetime under-achievement award: There have been many wannabes but then there is the lejund. For selectively picking bad roles and essaying them with utmost imperfection, this year’s award goes to Anupam Kher. What did he do this year? you may ask. Well for acting dead in a lifeless movie and being brave enough to fornicate with Rakhi Sawant, for playing the role of a cliched small town bollywood father and coughing so much that his germs spread onto the screen and infected the movie, ‘Gadha mar gaya’, and ‘Lag gaya chunari main bhang’

Well these were the Dandanakka awards for this year and I hope to do the same next year as well. Some of you may not approve of my choices, but are free to go ahead and voice your opinion. After having watched exactly 50 movies across Hindi, Tamizh, Telugu and enduring the most painful experience known to mankind, I broke the penance with this much needed and refreshing movie. With ‘Krazzy 4′ and ‘U me aur Hum’ releasing over the weekend, the dark side is tempting me again and I might set my eyes on the three figure mark!

Ze flashing knobs!….

Okay! now that I have paid tribute to a childhood memory, and announced my existence let us get on with the business shall we? A grueling work schedule and a string of dud movies in the evenings let me on an expedition into uncharted waters. I unraveled the world of horrible cinema, a world that is often forgotten and is relegated to the depths of the industry by the runaway blockbuster hits. After having to bear the misfortune of witnessing seven in a row, I decided to push harder and put myself through an endurance test. The month long flop-a-thon was severely painful and there have been times when I have cried myself to sleep, for I was too drained to cook and nobody delivers pizza here after twelve. Bruised and battered but I’ve survived and my perseverance has paid of, for now I am up to any challenge. Finding movies was not at all difficult, given the fact that out of the 150-or-so movies only 10-15 are hits and make it to the nominees list in award ceremonies. I am grateful to the numerous movie forums and their uploaders and not to forget Youtube, Google videos, Dailymotion and other hosting services for making such gems accessible. Finding all the material for my research online, helped me save on DVD rentals from blockbuster and desi distributors. Having watched 25 of the worst films of the year has fueled me to better myself and push the limits to doing a golden jubilee of flops.

The month long hiatus made me realize how many people check this space for updates. Has been such a nice feeling and writing again has never felt any better. Thank you all for those comments, scraps, and offline messages, without which I would have never realized how many people subscribe to my blog. I promise that i shall be back to regular blogging averaging two posts a week(hopefully).

Watch this space for my next post as I publish the findings of my flop-a-thon….

P.H.D Comics is the only comic strip I subscribe to and accept that I am not cool enough to read popular ones like Dilbert, Calvin & Hobbes etc simply because I can’t relate to them. I was never a fan of comic strips though I still remember the joy in snatching the Economic Times from my dad, just for the toons page. The Sunday Times was special for it had the Wizard of Id, Hagar the Horrible, Garfield, Dennis the Menace and a couple of others. I’ve loved my comics though be it Tintin, Asterix, and the girly Archie to the desi Tinkle. Even now I can recollect the episodes of He-Man, Force-Five and G.I.Joe on the tube. Cartoon Network was the best thing to happen and brought Johnny Quest, Scooby Doo, Swat Kats, The Mask, My all-time-favorite Dexter, and a host of toons to our lives. Now this warrants another post before I drift away.
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Saw the so-called blockbusters of the tamizh pongal bonanza back to back this weekend and I’m glad to have survived the ordeal. Tamizh cinema has often succumbed to hero worship and the new releases of the season plunge to an all new low. I hope this and the previous two posts, serve as an early warning to unsuspecting junta.
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Pardon me Simbu fans, for your idol has always reminded me of a cockroach! It was very amusing to imagine an insect belonging to phylum Arthropoda as a bull. Just like the previous post, even here I fail to understand how the title was related to the story, except for the million times the word ‘Kaalai‘ was uttered as part of the BGM. Deliberate eh? But then you have to hand it out to the director for the very unique characterization. How often do you come across a movie where three unrelated people share the same name? And when almost everybody in the movie is after a ‘Jeeva’ your brain cells are put to work as you decipher who is after whom. But then once you’ve got this sorted out you once again can’t stop thinking of that thing that runs around your kitchen sink and bathroom pipes.
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Yep, ladeej and juntalmen Bheema is the first tamizh gay film and makes Will&Grace look amateurish. After giving us India’s first 70mm blue film for Diwali, the industry gives us a gay flick for Pongal! Shekar adores and idolizes Chinna ever since he was a kid and wants to be like him. They actually edited out a scene wherein the stick that Chinna hands over to Shekar sends shivers through his body. There might have even been a dream sequence song where Shekar is bathing in a pond and fantasizing about Chinna, but this is something only our director saar can clarify. Twenty years later, an all beefed up Shekar joins Chinna’s gang and single handedly takes on his enemies. In a bid to throw sand into peoples eyes and keep them guessing, we have a heroine who is mad about shekar and sings songs with him in dream sequences. Poor thing, little did she know that she was part of a triangular love story and there was just one-way traffic from her side.
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Dear Baba Bangali,

Couple of weeks ago we successfully raised our voice against a popular south-indian actress. The protest deeply cut through media while people stood up and took notice of our activities. After having announced our arrival we are now looking for another issue so that we are not skirted away by the media. We seek your blessings, and direction as we scout for the next celebrity-award-function.

Your ardent devotees,

Hindu Makkal Katchi (HMK)
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The votes are in and the results are awaited in a couple of days for what is one of the most unique award shows. Recognizing Indians from various fields and bringing together big names on the same platform. Ladeej and Juntalmen it’s time for the CNN-IBN Indian of the year 2007. Below are the nominees and my picks!

Politician of the year:

• Prakash Karat: For being India’s most powerful politician of the year and ensuring the UPA coalition and his Left allies, literally danced to his tune.
• Kumari Mayawati: For becoming the tallest Dalit leader after Ambedkar and conquering UP by forging a unique upper caste-lower caste combine.
• Narendra Modi: For securing the most audacious political victory of the year, defeating not just rivals and rebels but also anti-incumbency.
• B. C. Khanduri: For being one of India’s most unsung performing politicians and the real force behind the highway construction project and change in Uttarakhand.
• P. Chidambaram: For engineering a spectacular growth rate and being an astute economic manager despite coalition pressures.
• Pranab Mukherjee: For being the real behind-the-scenes crisis manager and political negotiator in a squabbling UPA alliance.

It would have to be a Toss between our finance minister and the new face of the BJP. At one end is a man who has been responsible for some spectacular economic growth, and at the other end is a man who has sent shivers down the spine of every politician with his charisma. My choice is the man who despite having to bow to the pressures of a coalition has brought some very good reforms, P.Chidambaram.. I wonder how they even nominated Prakash Karat and Pranab Mukherjee, one held the govt to ransom and the other was distributing portfolios like a christmas party!

Businessman of the year:

• Mukesh D. Ambani: For revolutionizing retail, taking petroleum and other businesses to dizzying heights and in the process becoming one of the richest men in the world.
• Anil D. Ambani: For piloting an affordable info-com revolution and managing unprecedented financial muscle by heavy investments in infrastructure, power and capital.
• Sunil Bharti Mittal: For building Airtel into India’s largest mobile service operator and then successfully cornering a chunk of the fixed line telephony business as well.
• Vijay Mallya: For acquiring liquor conglomerates to airlines to even a Formula 1 team and proving the King of Good Times was truly an audacious dealmaker.
• O. P. Bhatt: For showing how a public sector behemoth could flex enough muscle in the ferociously competitive banking sector.
• Kumar Mangalam Birla: For making the Aditya Birla Group into a world player and successfully ensuring that Idea emerges as a major player in the cellular telephony market.

Reliance being sponsors, both the Ambanis are out of contention I guess. My choices were between O.P.Bhatt for bringing SBI to be as competitive as its counterparts in the private sector, and Vijay Mallya for taking the airline industry by storm. But the F1 deal just tipped the scales and with hopes of attending the F1 Delhi GP next year, I vote for Vijay Mallya…

Entertainer of the year:

• Shah Rukh Khan: For delivering Chak De and Om Shanti Om, two of the biggest hits of the year, and ensuring he remains the undisputed King Khan.
• Rajnikanth: For reviving Rajini-mania with the release of Sivaji amidst unprecedented hype, one of his biggest worldwide successes ever.
• Shimit Amin and Jaideep Sahni: For delivering the year’s Best Idea film, Chak De India, and demonstrating how a simple idea can be made a runaway commercial success.
• Prashant Tamang and Amit Paul: For helping northeast integrate and establish itself firmly on the national entertainment map by their exploits in Indian Idol.
• Akshay Kumar: For being the most reliable and bankable Bollywood star of the year by delivering a string of successful films.
• Shilpa Shetty: For winning UK’s most watched reality show Big Brother and becoming India’s most famous anti-racism ambassador.

This was pretty easy as barring SRK, Akshay Kumar and Rajni, the rest didn’t even deserve to be named in the same breath. But then the superstar takes it all with the biggest release of the year! SRK had to sell himself to every news channel and TV show to promote OSO, Sivaji on the other hand ran without any interviews or promotion. Steering clear of all releases and making it to the charts in international markets buoyed by the aura of one man, the superstar Rajnikanth!

Sports person of the year:

• Yuvaraj Singh: For simply being the most outstanding Indian cricketer of the year, be it one-dayers, the T20 or even Test matches and ensuring 2007 was his best year ever.
• M.S. Dhoni: For displaying rare guts, courage and freshness in leading his team so admirably and making India the T20 World Cup champions, much against expectations.
• Vishwanathan Anand: For being one of the rare Indians to become the undisputed world champion in a sport and making chess a popular sport in India.
• Sania Mirza: For achieving a record high ranking in world tennis and becoming one of the most feared players on the circuit.
• Jyoti Randhawa: For becoming only the second man in the world to win the Indian open thrice and being the most consistent Indian golf player of 2007.
• Saurav Ganguly: For scripting the ultimate comeback tale in Indian cricket and silencing every single critic he had post his ouster from the Indian team

Cricket has again eclipsed other sports with three nominations but I would prefer to look at our unsung heroes. For being the face of chess in India for years and finally getting his due by becoming the world champion my vote without an iota of doubt goes to Vishwanathan Anand.

Public service person of the year:

• Dr Sharan Patil: For giving India it’s most inspiring medical achievement of the year, with the successful surgery of the eight-limbed two-year-old Lakshmi from Bangalore.
• Anand Kumar and Abhayanand: For providing free coaching, boarding and lodging to 30 poor students for the IIT JEE Exams every year. For achieving successful scores for 28 out of the 30 students this year.
• Sushma Iyengar, Kutch Nav Nirman Abhiyan: For single-handedly reconstructing the earthquake ravaged Kutch region of Gujarat and setting new trends in disaster management and rehabilitation of natural disaster victims.
• E Sreedharan, Chairman DMRC: For setting a rare work ethic and transforming the face of transportation by effective time-bound execution of the Metro Rail project.
• Kousalya, Network of Positive Women: For being the first HIV positive truck driver’s wife who set up a successful NGO that helps women learn how to fight the virus.
• Dr Oscar Rebello, Goa Bachao Abhiyan: For leading the relentless fight to save the natural habitat of India’s most idyllic state, Goa.

This was a toughie with almost everybody having done some spectacular work. But when it comes to public service then its a three way tie between Sushma Iyengar, Kousalya, and Dr.Oscar Rebello. But for being a victim herself and taking the initiative to fight rather being depressed, my vote goes to Kousalya!

NRI of the year:

• Vikram Pandit: For being yet another Indian to head one of the world’s biggest corporate groups, tasked with getting Citigroup out of an unprecedented crisis.
• Kiran Desai: For becoming one of the most influential Indian writers, who has earned rare respect in the western literary circuit.
• Sunita Williams: For breaking the record for longest single spaceflight by a woman, and in the process inspiring thousands of Indian children to dream of being an astronaut.
• Indra Nooyi: For securing the ultimate position of chairperson and CEO in PepsiCo, a feat achieved in the world’s most hard nosed corporate environment.
• Arun Sarin: For piloting more than 11 Billion U.S dollars foreign direct investment in India, one of the largest ever.
• Fareed Zakaria: For his outstanding achievement in the world of international journalism and being known as one of the most respected columnists, commentators and authors.

This was probably the easiest choice to make. With all the others only having personal achievements, Arun Sarin’s achievements benefit the country as a whole and not just bringing fame. The FDIs will go a long way and bring cash and employment to many. My vote for Arun Sarin!

There you have my picks and we shall know the winners on the 21st as they are declared. Meanwhile, I would love to know what you feel and who your choices would be.

My research has finally been approved and is ready to be published. The last few weeks have been pretty hectic juggling work and research at the same time. Any budding-researchers/desi-grad-students-in search-of-funding reading this blog remember, It’s not easy riding two horses at the same time unless you are Zorro!

I have now made a so-called significant contribution to the world of science and our proposed algorithm can now protect mobile agents from attacks by malicious hosts. I know it sounds convoluted, but then I myself share the same feeling. After being officially kicked out of grad school I can now dedicate all my time to work(ya rite!). Blogging and my playstation will now fill the void created by the completion of my research and that means more vetti hours.

Ajitrakara, a rishi was a staunch devotee of lord Shiva. He performed numerous yagnas and penances to please the lord but in vain. He decided to perform a maha yagna followed by a very severe tapasya which would last for a month. A fortnight into the tapsya his health failed owing to lack of food and sleep, yet he went on with the sole aim of pleasing the lord. After ten days he was in no position to continue and he lay on the ground sapped out of his energy. He was nearing his end and lord Yama sent his yamadoot to do the required. However the power of ajitrakara’s devotion formed a forcefield around him which the yamadoot and even lord Yama were unable to penetrate, as Ajitrakara lay uncouncious.

Yama pleaded lord Shiva to intervene as it was against the laws of vidhi(fate) to escape the cycle of life. Lord Shiva awoke Ajitrakara and thus broke the forcefield, with the forcefield broken the yamadoot spared no time in grabbing Ajitrakara’s soul. As he was being dragged to hell, Ajitrakara cried to lord Shiva as to why he was being treated with such injustice. The only reason for his penance remaining unfulfilled being his failing health, the lord then appeared and explained that in his previous life Ajitrakara was an evil merchant who never paid his servants and forced them to work till they dropped dead else face the lashes of his whip. However the lord was pleased with his devotion in this life and granted him a boon that, in his next life his health would pose no threat to his profession and even if he failed repeatedly he would always get another chance.

The long-list of 24 probables has room for Aakash Chopra and Piyush Chawla, but none for Virender Sehwag and Sreesanth, the latter out of action with a shoulder injury. Parthiv Patel is the third wicketkeeper in the list and may have a strong case if Dinesh Karthik’s poor run continues in the Bangalore Test. Pankaj Singh, the rookie fast bowler from Rajasthan, Ranadeb Bose and Ajit Agarkar, currently nursing a shoulder niggle, were also part of the list.[link]

Ajitrakara was reborn as Ajit Agarkar…..

Now you know…….

Many are aware of the matchmaking process that is run by the maamis
of South India, and they form an enormous densely knit network of homemakers. For my friends north of the vindhyas it can be compared to the dabbawallahs of Mumbai. Just as a marked dabba will find its way from Chembur to Cuffe Parade, similarly the eligibility of a girl in Jagadamba Centre, Vishakapatnam will reach the households of Mylapore, Chennai. Students in the yoo-yess-af-yaa have their own network that revolves around AID and the respective ISA of each univ. Welcome to the world of orkut jadagams and facebook milap! Social networking sites have created a huge network amongst graduate students and that churns out information raging from jobs, housing and even ahem! louw…..

I wish to propose a few scenarios to prove my point. For all the scenarios stated below, there is a common step that we shall call processX and that is:

1. Look up the Indian grad community of that univ on orkut/facebook which will always be “Indians/Desis at XXX”, “XXX Indian/Desi students”, “XXX ISA” (XXX being the name of the univ or the city where it is at).
2. Now that you have located your community go ahead and look through the profiles, and as expected you will look at profiles of people from the opp sex.
3. You are bound to find at least one person who is connected to you by the rule of six. Else ask your friends to perform processX, but you will find a match.
4. Congratulations! Make calls on the weekend (free talktime!) through your common friend, get introduced and you just got access to the information super highway of that univ.

The cases below will all make use of processX

Case1: Your are transferring to another univ or got a job/intern, and hence require temp housing and pointers to the place etc etc. Perform process X, and your new contact will use his weekend minutes to find a place for your stuff and also assist in finding roomates or an appt if your luck is worse than the Karnataka CM.

Case2: You are attending a conference, AID work etc. then use processX to find temp housing. You might also use processX to make a list of interesting ladies in that univ incase you bump in to them. “Hey how about some chipotle?”, She will be thrilled but she doesn’t know that you’ve seen her on the chipotle lovers community! ProcessX can also be used to lookup a female you just saw but managed to get hold of her first name even if its of the boarding pass.

Case3: With all existing students seen in pairs you channelize your energy on the new batch of fall and spring students. Looking up their profiles is important before you commit to the ISA member for picking them up. Last thing you want is to be bombarded by questions for the next 30 mins by someone bilkul thanda or a person whose BF is in another univ. With the growing number of requests for picking up the same person we(ISA) have to result to bidding and persons offering to pick maximum people of our choice win.

Case4: When there is no luck with the new batch you resort to cross-border-terrorism i.e. Perform processX on the univ of your choice and this time you will need a second level contact i.e like your roommate’s childhood friend etc. Once you’ve found yor man, then get info bout the current status of the girl and use scrapology with an ample understanding of her communities to make the first move. You will however need a good profile with many favorable testimonials and an impressive array of interesting communities for a response.

*******Disclaimer*******

Orkut profiles are always not authentic and that profile pic might be the latest Kannada heroine you haven’t heard of!

*******Disclaimer*******

With that I rest my case, additions welcome…

PS: In response to KA

Forgive me O Ganesha, for I have sinned. Having done the unthinkable, the unpardonable I stand before you with my head hung in shame. I regret my actions and take a solemn vow to never ever repeat the same. I was lured by a couple of friends and unknowingly became part of the act while my partners in crime were all gleaming with satisfaction as I gave in. I have however now learnt to identify exotic art and will not let my senses trick me into submission once again. I would also like to confess the experience and the rush of emotions in me as I climaxed and collapsed on the chair in exhaustion. I was later awoken by my friends and I particularly enjoyed the last few minutes of the film as they climaxed and we all were tired and drowsy in the end. After the whole nerve-wreaking exercise, I ate like a horse and could have eaten more if not for the cold stares of the waitress. I’ve never heard of people being so hungry after such an experience that most prefer to call as pleasure, but I guess it was my first time and such things are bound to happen.

It all begun on a Sunday morning when the phone rang

he: heya, watcha doin today?
me: umm nuthin much, just the usual sleep-lunch-sleep-dinner-sleep sunday routine
he: gosh, you need to get out. I’ll pick you up in twenty.
me: do you mind telling me, where we goin?
he: do the words ‘exotic art’ entice you?
me: not really, i stay away from all forms of art.
he: you’ve got the flair or else why would you like pink floyd?
********************************************
A lot of yada-yada discussing the lyrics of some PF songs inner meaning etc which I wish to skip as they are irrelevant to this post.
********************************************
he: watever dude, you’re coming and I wont take no for an answer
me: doesn’t look like I have a choice
he: trust me you’ll love it, and will surely make a post out of it.
me: yea rite, might as well do something instead of the Sunday routine

So we reached the place and it was full of people dressed in their best clothes with the women sporting layers of make up and the men all seriously chatting away. My so-called-friends showed me a photo of the director who they said was one of the best in the business and I was in fact lucky to even be there.

me: hey, this is no art exhibition.
he: cinema is also a form of art, and this is exotic art remember
me: you just wait
he: chill dude, it’s your first time and you are therefore bound to be nervous and finicky

Suddenly everyone goes quite and the music starts. I was just casually looking around me and was soon drawn towards a very beautiful damsel (henceforth BD). I am forced to refrain from describing the maiden as I don’t want her to get stuck in my head again and also the fact that this blog is read by a wider section of the society. My friend nudged me and said “Here’s your lady, what do you have to say now? Shuru ho ja”. We were soon joined by a guy (you’re right a guy!) who had worn nothing underneath his towel and my friend adds that he has a cute ass! If that was not enough we were joined by a whore (interestingly it was her third experience) and an granny who seemed way past seventy. Her vampire red lipstick and nails gave me the shivers but the guy-in-towel (henceforth GIT) hugged her and I guess he felt a connection with her. It was good initially as there were a lot of sounds of oooh-aaah etc and I thought everyone was enjoying it. Soon comes another burly looking man(henceforth BLM)  whose eyes tell you he has been drinking all night and it was total mayhem as I sat confused. BLM was brought to balance the equation I presume but his inclusion put things out of control.

Myself and GIT wanted BD, but BD wanted BLM and the whore wanted GIT. Nobody wanted me or the granny and this is when I climaxed and passed out due to exhaustion. I just couldn’t take it anymore but also felt sad for the granny though briefly she seemed interested in GIT and vice versa. I was awakened by a strong smell of perspiration for it was well past two hours since the proceedings had begun. I didn’t realize how long I slept but learnt that the dejected GIT was turned away by the whore as well (confusing eh? same feeling…) and BD momentarily decided to do it with GIT before BLM came and took her. Those two hours actually felt like four nights and I had excruciating pain in my lower back thanks to the uncomfortable and squeaky chair. Exotic art my foot! But everybody was all smiles and my friends liked GIT’s butt a lot in particular (queer assholes).

I regret my actions and swear never to repeat the same ever again even if Mr.Spielberg enters this industry and makes a similar film. O Ganesha, I hope you forgive me and pray that my readers don’t leave me for writing such a post.

PS: Saawariya is boring, contrived and I really fell asleep!

If you have been wondering why SRK has been seen around cricketers a lot these days then I think I know why. News just in that the superstar is one of 90 bidders for a franchise from among the teams competing in the $3 million Indian Premier League (IPL) next year.

While the franchisees will also bid for the players, some ‘iconic’ stars like Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and Sourav Ganguly will play only for home teams.
The other prominent bidders are business tycoon Vijay Mallya, Anil Ambani and Hollywood actor Russel Crowe, a cousin of former New Zealand cricket captain Martin Crowe. The floor price for the bidders has been fixed at $50 million.

It doesn’t stop there, names like England-based Lord Swaraj Paul, Owners of clubs in the English Premier League [EPL] and National Basketball Association (NBA) and a couple of foreign banks have all staked claim for the 8 teams.

SRK has always been associated with cricket through his Pepsi endorsement and is now branded as the lucky mascot of team India. He is in my opinion the zen at the art of media management and a fantastic PR guy. This news explains the following:

• Chak de dono jahan
• T20 Ind vs Oz
• Twenty20, Johanesburg

I wish SRK owns the Mumbai team because it would be a treat to watch Ramesh Powar sporting a six-pack or Sachin Tendulkar running bare chested on the pitch. Rahul Dravid and Robin Uthappa wearing vampire red like those Kingfisher flight attendants. Anil Ambani has to own the Delhi team while Sehwag and Gambhir take ashirwad from their moms on the pitch using their video enabled Reliance phones. But the best of the lot will be Saurav maximus dada Ganguly, the lone warrior in a Russel Crowe owned Calcutta team full of also-rans.

Bring it on baby!

Ahem, I know the title of this post sounds really cheeky and boasts of gay overtones. Those of you who have begun celebrating my-coming-out-of-the-closet can come back to earth. I hate to spoil your party but then it’s not about me nor does it have to do anything with the queer eye. Now as MJ sez lets keep things in the closet and go to the reason for this post. Batsmen often have trouble spotting the white ball in ODI cricket towards the death overs. There have been various strategies proposed such as a different ball at each end and the now implemented 35over change. Research has led to a conclusion that pink colored balls tend to retain their color and are easy to spot by batsmen and TV cameras.

The MCC, who are responsible for the laws of cricket, have been testing different colours for the last year, Their head of cricket, John Stephenson, is responsible for the innovation and he told The Times: “Paint tends to flake off white balls and we have asked Kookaburra to produce a batch of pink ones because these show up so much better.

“The challenge is to produce a ball which retains its colour – I doubt it will be any more expensive to produce or buy. I have asked Mike Gatting, the ECB’s managing director of cricket partnerships, to use them in county second XI one-day matches, but we shall start by trying them in fixtures such as MCC v Europe and in the university matches we sponsor.

“My aim would be to use the pink ball in Twenty20 cricket in 2009 and thereafter in one-day international cricket, but this will be dependent on trials and what the ECB thinks.”

Scientists will also test the pink balls for television: orange ones used before left a trail in the dark. Gatting added: “We are trying to make cricket a better game for the players and television and have got past looking at it from a traditionalist’s view.”

Of all the colors in the world why did they have to pick pink? I agree that blue, brown etc are out of question, but what harm has yellow done? I am all for the charge of the yellow brigade! Lord Gatting has probably lost it after being flummoxed by Shane Warne’s ripping leg break which is often referred to as the ball of the century. After Kerry Packer dressed up the mighty West Indies in pink pyjamas, the Caribbeans graduated to maroon. 30 years later, the color will once again be seen on a cricket pitch! You’ve got company SRK, the ECB also subscribes to your tees-saal-baad theory….

Read the full article here

Saawariya is pitted against Om Shanti Om this Diwali and all eyes are at the box office. Though there seems to be a good fight down south with bigwigs like Vijay(Azhagiya Tamizh Magan Music by ARR), Vikram(Bheema in a feminine role!), Ajith(Billa) Simbu etc all armed with big releases, Bollywood clearly steals the show this festive season. In what is touted to be the biggest battle of the year, for the first time ever Sony Pictures is producing a film from Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s(SLB) stables, and in another corner is a film that has Shahrukh Khan(SRK) all over it. What follows is my attempt to weigh the heavyweights before the bout goes official and see which way the scales are tipping.

First Saawariya: One look at the poster(I <3 that peacock!) and it screams the words ‘Sanjay Leela Bhansali’. Color is a conspicuous feature in all his films like Hum dil.. which was all orange, then came Devdas which was all red, Black was shot in grey and now Saawariya is in blue. Even the music screams his name and any song in the album(not necessarily the title track) will tell you that it’s has the SLB signature. Melody has been the high point of the music in all his films, and this time is no different. Very few people like SLB, Yash Chopra, Aamir Khan etc sit through all the recording sessions irrespective of who the composer is. This perseverance and hard work reflects in the audio, as every tune is very sooth and easy listening. A collectors item and a must for every long romantic drive. The music just grows on you as you keep listening and if you have no idea of what I’m talking then here is a good place to start with. From what I hear the plot seems pretty weak but then we just want to see the breathtaking sets, cinematography, and SLB’s story telling abilities. The promos reveal nothing but a Hindu-boy-loves-muslim-girl angle, but we know(hope) that SLB is capable of much more than that and wait for the saga to unfold on screen.

OSO is a film that is completely the opposite of everything that Saawariya stands for. Loud jarring music with a retro feel, the story line is a comic spoof of the movies of the 70’s, complete masala movie with laughs, dances, action sequences, stunts, and slapstick comedy. Except for a couple of songs the rest are passable but they audio is a mega hit owing to the hyped marketing behind it. The songs will be shot in super locales with SRK spreading his arms and though I abhor it now, I’m gonna be hooting when he does it on screen. SRK has always said that he is his own PR person. Given the fact that he is pitted against a production house that will not bat an eyelid when it comes to splurging dough, SRK has gone to media and the small screen. Every reality show has had an OSO special like ‘Sa Re Ga Ma Pa‘(Zee), ‘Nach Baliye‘(Star+), ‘Koffee with Karan‘(Star1) etc. Even the most popular news channel CNN-IBN carries a dance challenge where winners get to meet SRK. The Hindustan Times leadership summit was also used as an able platform to talk about his 6-pack. A lot of heroes(read John Abraham, Hrithik etc) must be kicking themselves in teh rear for their perfectly sculpted bodies never attracted such attention as the 40yr old superstar. The story of OSO is out and bears no suspense unlike Saawariya which is a closely guarded secret. The movie has a strong ‘Karz‘ flavor and one of the songs seems like a tribute to the Subhash Ghai flick. OSO definitely looses to Saawariya when the totality of the album is taken into picture, but with a free autographed poster of the most famous 6-pack in the country OSO wins on audio sales. Latest news is that OSO has teamed up with MTV-India for the Lycra style awards and thereby adding some more weight to already heavy scales.

Let’s summarize things

• Saawariya
  • Big names like Sony pictures and Sanjay Leela Bhansali
  • Melodious and long lasting music by Monty Sharma
  • Debutant star kids Sonam and Ranbir Kapoor(both looking average)
  • Fantastics sets, cinematography
  • Slow and soulful both the music and the movie
  • Weak yet concealed storyline depends heavily on the master story teller SLB
• Om Shanti Om
  • SRK, SRK and SRK
  • Catchy and peppy tunes with a retro feel by Vishal-Shekar
  • Making her debut and looking absolutely stunning Deepika Padukone and supported by the talented Shreyas Talpade
  • Has all the ingredients of a masala blockbuster, comedy, romance, action and above all SRK!
  • Farah Khan’s direction will promise awesome locales, and breath taking song-and-dance sequences
  • Terrific small screen promotion with all prime time slots booked
  • Free poster with audio CD has sales hitting a new high

Well Sony Pictures may have all the money and SLB may have his classy touch, the movie will definitely be technically supreme and a sure nominee at every award ceremony. But they don’t have something that OSO has and probably the reason why OSO will take a dinosaur share of the BO opening and the producers of OSO will be the ones smiling in the end. Ladies and Gentlemen that something is…….
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The six-pack-khan Shahrukh Khan

* author does a sashtanga namaskaram *