Dappan koothu…….

How often have you heard this term? I for sure have heard it a zillion times, and to be frank am quite fed up of hearing the same. Those forwarded emails carrying youtube clips of gabtun or balayya and a wisecrack comment that relegates all of southern India’s films to the depths of neverland. A more researched post is still in the draft phase but in the meanwhile here is a small comparison.

Here is a song that features the best real life Bollywood couple in a so-called-seductive song. Abhi-Ash don’t have a bedroom song as yet and hence do not qualify. At one corner you have an award winning heroine whose last two roles have been that of a blind woman and one suffering from alzheimers(interesting?). Giving her company is a national award and more importantly a dandanakka award winning actor who incidentally is also the director of this film. This is all I could find on youtube and didn’t have the patience to rip and upload it myself, not to worry coz you’re not missing anything…

Now this is what kollywood has to offer. A mediocre actress for whom many may claim that the word mediocre is also a huge compliment, and her hubby a pretty decent actor with nothing great to boast about barring a few movies like this one. The divide in terms of acting between these two couples is without any doubt greater than the grand canyon yet the second video seems more convincing. Ladeej and juntalmen that is what is called chemistry, it not only exists in beakers and pippettes but also between couples.

A few of these south ke phillum may sure be cheap, crass and crude but the rest are far more stylish than anything bollywood has imagined. It takes a RDB or a TZP to beat the south but then both these movies had a heavy southie influence!(Maddy,Siddharth, A.R.Rahman, Shankar Mahadevan etc). If any of you wisecracks wanna tell me that this movie is stylish then I have some left-over ‘mushroomfry’ that has been lying in my fridge for a week, just for you!

For those who wanna poke fun at the thalaivar, here comes a man that defies all odds. Show me two of his films that have even remotely been similar and i’ll eat my mushrooms myself. Huge expectations from this one and I hope he wont disappoint.

The ‘Sarkar Raj‘ trailer is also a winner but then you can’t count it for it’s made by a southie. Those of you rooting for the ‘Jism-Jadoo hain nasha‘ song, it wasn’t a bedroom song and plus the music director was Telugu and the hero a mallu.

PS: Lifted from Bachchan saab’s blog, Here is what RGV messaged him on Tashan.

people are saying Tashan is as bad as Aag…! If Sholay has set the bench mark for the ultimate hit then the least i achieved with Aag, is that i made it a bench mark for the ultimate flop..

The title of this post was a very funny song that gaya introduced me to, and ever since I’ve had to hold my stomach and LOL’ed so hard whenever I’ve hear this song. Non-Tamizh readers can at least relate to the weird lyrics and beats. Some Tamizh readers can identify the voice and that is none other than our so-called-multi-talented-multi-faceted roachstar chimbu! Now before the All-India-Roachstar-Fans-Association burn my effigies, I’ll get into the real reason behind this post. Some time ago I announced my existence and promised to post about my flop-a-thon experiences. Over the past few weeks I have realized the potential of bad cinema and the service it does to mankind. These movies tiltilate the masses with scantily clad heroines prancing around in their high heels, crass comedy, vulgar dialogs, bad actors with constipated expressions, amateur music directors, freestyle-aerobics-type-choreography, gaudy make up, oh I could go on. But then what goes noticed is the employment opportunities they create.

I’d even stick out my neck and claim that the railways comes a close second to this “Industry” in being the single largest employer. The railways may have more bihari-babus on their payroll but in terms of working hands the “Industry” is way ahead. Such selfless service to mankind inspite of repeated box-office failures is truly praise worthy and shall not go unnoticed. Ladeej and Juntalmen, It’s my honour to present the first ever ‘Dandanakka Awards’ for the year 2008, celebrating ineptitude in cinema. Below are the various categories and winners.

• Most forgettable debut of the year: This without an iota of doubt has to goto the multi-talented-self-proclaimed-genius Himmes bhai or ‘aech-aar’ as he is fondly called for portraying 258 constipated expressions in a single frame. Amongst the females, the award goes to ‘Bottomless Khan‘ for bringing white shirts into vogue. Don’t be surprised if your boyfriend buys you one of those and sets up a sprinkler system in the garden.
• Most painful lyrics of the year: This award had to goto the title song of the movie ‘Shakalaka boom’. Those who want to contest this award will have to explain the meaning of the phrase shaka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka, Shaka laka boom boom. It first appeared to be a cheap take on the Thalaivar’s laka laka laka from Chandramukhi, However I realised it was a product of Himessing.
• Cochlea damaging music of the year: Well the lejund of b-grade moosik was back with a bang this year after having sung some surprisingly good songs for V&S in Taxi 9211 and ARR in Guru. It’s a pleasure to announce this years award to the person who instated this category in the first place. Ladeej and Juntalmen it is none other than the great Bappida for making our ears bleed to his tunes for the movie ‘Gadha Mar Gaya‘.
• Unsupporting actors award: Jayaji makes a rather surprising entry into the world of horrible cinema, but for sewing rags every time she wants to cry(which was always!) and kicking her elder daughter out of the younger ones wedding, we give the award to her so-called stellar performance in ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘. The Deols have always been patrons of bad cinema and Bobby continues the legacy with his painful performances in ‘Shakalaka Boom’ and ‘Jhoom Barabar Jhoom‘. Sadly both movies were about dancing, a virtue that is alien to the men of the Deol household. If any of you wish to contest my choice then don’t forget there was ‘Kaun hain Jaisalmer‘, ‘Naqaab‘ and ‘Apne‘ as well.
• Forgetful comeback of the year: This is my favorite for it goes to an actor who himself forgot it was his comeback appearance. In a year of comebacks right from Govinda to Madhuri, also claimed to have seen Jugal Hansraj making a brief appearance in ‘Naaja Bachle‘. Somebody please tell him that he was in the movie.
• Unbearable actor of the year: It’s been a wonderful year for bad cinema with some good actors also making handsome contributions. For his role of a sleepy eyed writer called ‘Doc’ in ‘Kaash‘ and the most unbearable portrayal of ‘Heeru’ in ‘RGV ki Bhaag‘, the years most prestigeous award goes to national award recipient Ajay Devgan. Amongst the women Rani Mukherjee takes the cake for completing a hattrick of tawaif roles with ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘ and ‘Saava variya‘, ‘Uncle Gaandey‘ being the first.
• Most treacherous film of the year: This was the easiest and a unanimous choice, setting the trend for bad movies. It’s become a cult movie of sorts drawing parallels to movies like Gunda and Loha. Bhaiyon aur unke Beheno put your hands together for RGV and his Bhaag, as this year’s winner for the award of the most treacherous film of the year.
• Most Disgruntled Director of the year: After making a movie like ‘Black Friday‘ that earned its place amongst the best of the year, Anurag Kashyap doesn’t satisfy the connoisseurs of bad cinema by dishing out a movie like never before and never again. Probably 10 years from now, audiences may understand the movie after watching it 20-30 times but it went over my head after a dual encore. Without an iota of doubt the award for this year goes to Anurag Kashyap for ‘No Smoking‘.
• Out-of-sync Singer of the year: There are singers and then there is Himes Bhai. But then there is a man who is a level higher than everyone, he is none other than the pappi-chor Mika Singh. For parading poetry recitation and synchronized dialogs as singing, the award goes to Mika for ‘Aye Ganpat‘ from ‘Shootout at Lokhandwala‘.
• Unplayable screenplay of the year: For the most construed series of events unfolding in the name of cinema with cliched indo-brit sentiments and an underdog story that defies logic with potbellied men running across a football field, the award goes to the team of ‘Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal‘.
• Horrendous actor in a negative performance: This category had many promising nominees, but then the youth in me is biased towards the shockingly endowed and allergic to apparel, Mona/Sherlyn Chopra. Here I wish to clarify that it’s not for the reasons mentioned above but for her role as a psychotic, mentally ill and serial killing whore in the film ‘Red Swastika‘. You might be thinking “who is he trying to fool”, lekin sach keh raha hoon…. lol!
• Non-Existent story of the year: It has been a fantastic year for bad cinema with great names doing the needful, and Sanjay Leela Bhansali has condescended to give us a story that begun and ended without any change. It takes sheer talent and great dedication to write a story that spans three hours and yet leaves everything like it was, untouched. We need to encourage such manuscripts and they shall serve as inspiration to the millions of small time writers. Please join me in applauding SLB for his commendable contribution to bad cinema and giving us India’s first blue film.
• Intolerable actor in a comic role: There were plenty of hopefuls for this award, cheap and crude humor being the forte of bad cinema. Please don’t accuse me for being a bhakta of sleaze, but I am tempted to give the award to Rakhi Sawant for exposing the casting couch that exists in the industry. When someone fornicates with not one but four corpses under the pretext of struggling in ‘Gadha mar gaya‘, it sure is funny and worthy of praise.
• Lifetime under-achievement award: There have been many wannabes but then there is the lejund. For selectively picking bad roles and essaying them with utmost imperfection, this year’s award goes to Anupam Kher. What did he do this year? you may ask. Well for acting dead in a lifeless movie and being brave enough to fornicate with Rakhi Sawant, for playing the role of a cliched small town bollywood father and coughing so much that his germs spread onto the screen and infected the movie, ‘Gadha mar gaya’, and ‘Lag gaya chunari main bhang’

Well these were the Dandanakka awards for this year and I hope to do the same next year as well. Some of you may not approve of my choices, but are free to go ahead and voice your opinion. After having watched exactly 50 movies across Hindi, Tamizh, Telugu and enduring the most painful experience known to mankind, I broke the penance with this much needed and refreshing movie. With ‘Krazzy 4′ and ‘U me aur Hum’ releasing over the weekend, the dark side is tempting me again and I might set my eyes on the three figure mark!

Ze flashing knobs!….

Okay! now that I have paid tribute to a childhood memory, and announced my existence let us get on with the business shall we? A grueling work schedule and a string of dud movies in the evenings let me on an expedition into uncharted waters. I unraveled the world of horrible cinema, a world that is often forgotten and is relegated to the depths of the industry by the runaway blockbuster hits. After having to bear the misfortune of witnessing seven in a row, I decided to push harder and put myself through an endurance test. The month long flop-a-thon was severely painful and there have been times when I have cried myself to sleep, for I was too drained to cook and nobody delivers pizza here after twelve. Bruised and battered but I’ve survived and my perseverance has paid of, for now I am up to any challenge. Finding movies was not at all difficult, given the fact that out of the 150-or-so movies only 10-15 are hits and make it to the nominees list in award ceremonies. I am grateful to the numerous movie forums and their uploaders and not to forget Youtube, Google videos, Dailymotion and other hosting services for making such gems accessible. Finding all the material for my research online, helped me save on DVD rentals from blockbuster and desi distributors. Having watched 25 of the worst films of the year has fueled me to better myself and push the limits to doing a golden jubilee of flops.

The month long hiatus made me realize how many people check this space for updates. Has been such a nice feeling and writing again has never felt any better. Thank you all for those comments, scraps, and offline messages, without which I would have never realized how many people subscribe to my blog. I promise that i shall be back to regular blogging averaging two posts a week(hopefully).

Watch this space for my next post as I publish the findings of my flop-a-thon….

It’s not everyday that you come across a movie of epic proportions, but then most of them are plagued by the burden of heavy expectations. Ashutosh Gowariker’s latest offering ‘Jodha Akbar‘ sadly falls into the same league. The promos, music and the big names ensured that the movie had a monstrous opening on the weekend but not many people left the cinema halls with the same feeling that they had while entering. There has been controversy surrounding the name of Akbar’s wife and everyone seems to have heard a different version of the story, what matters is that he married a Hindu woman and lets call her ‘Jodha’ for that is how it was in ‘Mughal-e-Azam‘. You’ve got to cut the guy some slack, how on earth do you expect to market a film called ‘Harkha Akbar’ or ‘Akbar Mariam‘ after spending close to INR 40 Cr! Now that we have grown over the name and watched the trailer of Abbas-Mastan’s ‘bhai-vs-bhai-ladki-ke-liye’ thriller Race three times in a row, the movie opens with the director explaining the reason behind naming the film in a 200 word essay.

The very first scene opens with a war sequence as I tried to stifle my laughter looking at the extras and the choreographed formations. I agree it’s very difficult while filming with so many extras they seemed like running into each other, looking confused and playing dandiya . There was a roar in the hall when HR says ‘Hamle ke liye tayyar’, only to be dampened by his non-involvement in the ensuing battle with cannons blowing into the camera and elephants crushing the heads of foot soldiers!
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Saw the so-called blockbusters of the tamizh pongal bonanza back to back this weekend and I’m glad to have survived the ordeal. Tamizh cinema has often succumbed to hero worship and the new releases of the season plunge to an all new low. I hope this and the previous two posts, serve as an early warning to unsuspecting junta.
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Pardon me Simbu fans, for your idol has always reminded me of a cockroach! It was very amusing to imagine an insect belonging to phylum Arthropoda as a bull. Just like the previous post, even here I fail to understand how the title was related to the story, except for the million times the word ‘Kaalai‘ was uttered as part of the BGM. Deliberate eh? But then you have to hand it out to the director for the very unique characterization. How often do you come across a movie where three unrelated people share the same name? And when almost everybody in the movie is after a ‘Jeeva’ your brain cells are put to work as you decipher who is after whom. But then once you’ve got this sorted out you once again can’t stop thinking of that thing that runs around your kitchen sink and bathroom pipes.
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Yep, ladeej and juntalmen Bheema is the first tamizh gay film and makes Will&Grace look amateurish. After giving us India’s first 70mm blue film for Diwali, the industry gives us a gay flick for Pongal! Shekar adores and idolizes Chinna ever since he was a kid and wants to be like him. They actually edited out a scene wherein the stick that Chinna hands over to Shekar sends shivers through his body. There might have even been a dream sequence song where Shekar is bathing in a pond and fantasizing about Chinna, but this is something only our director saar can clarify. Twenty years later, an all beefed up Shekar joins Chinna’s gang and single handedly takes on his enemies. In a bid to throw sand into peoples eyes and keep them guessing, we have a heroine who is mad about shekar and sings songs with him in dream sequences. Poor thing, little did she know that she was part of a triangular love story and there was just one-way traffic from her side.
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Forgive me O Ganesha, for I have sinned. Having done the unthinkable, the unpardonable I stand before you with my head hung in shame. I regret my actions and take a solemn vow to never ever repeat the same. I was lured by a couple of friends and unknowingly became part of the act while my partners in crime were all gleaming with satisfaction as I gave in. I have however now learnt to identify exotic art and will not let my senses trick me into submission once again. I would also like to confess the experience and the rush of emotions in me as I climaxed and collapsed on the chair in exhaustion. I was later awoken by my friends and I particularly enjoyed the last few minutes of the film as they climaxed and we all were tired and drowsy in the end. After the whole nerve-wreaking exercise, I ate like a horse and could have eaten more if not for the cold stares of the waitress. I’ve never heard of people being so hungry after such an experience that most prefer to call as pleasure, but I guess it was my first time and such things are bound to happen.

It all begun on a Sunday morning when the phone rang

he: heya, watcha doin today?
me: umm nuthin much, just the usual sleep-lunch-sleep-dinner-sleep sunday routine
he: gosh, you need to get out. I’ll pick you up in twenty.
me: do you mind telling me, where we goin?
he: do the words ‘exotic art’ entice you?
me: not really, i stay away from all forms of art.
he: you’ve got the flair or else why would you like pink floyd?
********************************************
A lot of yada-yada discussing the lyrics of some PF songs inner meaning etc which I wish to skip as they are irrelevant to this post.
********************************************
he: watever dude, you’re coming and I wont take no for an answer
me: doesn’t look like I have a choice
he: trust me you’ll love it, and will surely make a post out of it.
me: yea rite, might as well do something instead of the Sunday routine

So we reached the place and it was full of people dressed in their best clothes with the women sporting layers of make up and the men all seriously chatting away. My so-called-friends showed me a photo of the director who they said was one of the best in the business and I was in fact lucky to even be there.

me: hey, this is no art exhibition.
he: cinema is also a form of art, and this is exotic art remember
me: you just wait
he: chill dude, it’s your first time and you are therefore bound to be nervous and finicky

Suddenly everyone goes quite and the music starts. I was just casually looking around me and was soon drawn towards a very beautiful damsel (henceforth BD). I am forced to refrain from describing the maiden as I don’t want her to get stuck in my head again and also the fact that this blog is read by a wider section of the society. My friend nudged me and said “Here’s your lady, what do you have to say now? Shuru ho ja”. We were soon joined by a guy (you’re right a guy!) who had worn nothing underneath his towel and my friend adds that he has a cute ass! If that was not enough we were joined by a whore (interestingly it was her third experience) and an granny who seemed way past seventy. Her vampire red lipstick and nails gave me the shivers but the guy-in-towel (henceforth GIT) hugged her and I guess he felt a connection with her. It was good initially as there were a lot of sounds of oooh-aaah etc and I thought everyone was enjoying it. Soon comes another burly looking man(henceforth BLM)  whose eyes tell you he has been drinking all night and it was total mayhem as I sat confused. BLM was brought to balance the equation I presume but his inclusion put things out of control.

Myself and GIT wanted BD, but BD wanted BLM and the whore wanted GIT. Nobody wanted me or the granny and this is when I climaxed and passed out due to exhaustion. I just couldn’t take it anymore but also felt sad for the granny though briefly she seemed interested in GIT and vice versa. I was awakened by a strong smell of perspiration for it was well past two hours since the proceedings had begun. I didn’t realize how long I slept but learnt that the dejected GIT was turned away by the whore as well (confusing eh? same feeling…) and BD momentarily decided to do it with GIT before BLM came and took her. Those two hours actually felt like four nights and I had excruciating pain in my lower back thanks to the uncomfortable and squeaky chair. Exotic art my foot! But everybody was all smiles and my friends liked GIT’s butt a lot in particular (queer assholes).

I regret my actions and swear never to repeat the same ever again even if Mr.Spielberg enters this industry and makes a similar film. O Ganesha, I hope you forgive me and pray that my readers don’t leave me for writing such a post.

PS: Saawariya is boring, contrived and I really fell asleep!

If you have been wondering why SRK has been seen around cricketers a lot these days then I think I know why. News just in that the superstar is one of 90 bidders for a franchise from among the teams competing in the $3 million Indian Premier League (IPL) next year.

While the franchisees will also bid for the players, some ‘iconic’ stars like Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and Sourav Ganguly will play only for home teams.
The other prominent bidders are business tycoon Vijay Mallya, Anil Ambani and Hollywood actor Russel Crowe, a cousin of former New Zealand cricket captain Martin Crowe. The floor price for the bidders has been fixed at $50 million.

It doesn’t stop there, names like England-based Lord Swaraj Paul, Owners of clubs in the English Premier League [EPL] and National Basketball Association (NBA) and a couple of foreign banks have all staked claim for the 8 teams.

SRK has always been associated with cricket through his Pepsi endorsement and is now branded as the lucky mascot of team India. He is in my opinion the zen at the art of media management and a fantastic PR guy. This news explains the following:

• Chak de dono jahan
• T20 Ind vs Oz
• Twenty20, Johanesburg

I wish SRK owns the Mumbai team because it would be a treat to watch Ramesh Powar sporting a six-pack or Sachin Tendulkar running bare chested on the pitch. Rahul Dravid and Robin Uthappa wearing vampire red like those Kingfisher flight attendants. Anil Ambani has to own the Delhi team while Sehwag and Gambhir take ashirwad from their moms on the pitch using their video enabled Reliance phones. But the best of the lot will be Saurav maximus dada Ganguly, the lone warrior in a Russel Crowe owned Calcutta team full of also-rans.

Bring it on baby!

Saawariya is pitted against Om Shanti Om this Diwali and all eyes are at the box office. Though there seems to be a good fight down south with bigwigs like Vijay(Azhagiya Tamizh Magan Music by ARR), Vikram(Bheema in a feminine role!), Ajith(Billa) Simbu etc all armed with big releases, Bollywood clearly steals the show this festive season. In what is touted to be the biggest battle of the year, for the first time ever Sony Pictures is producing a film from Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s(SLB) stables, and in another corner is a film that has Shahrukh Khan(SRK) all over it. What follows is my attempt to weigh the heavyweights before the bout goes official and see which way the scales are tipping.

First Saawariya: One look at the poster(I <3 that peacock!) and it screams the words ‘Sanjay Leela Bhansali’. Color is a conspicuous feature in all his films like Hum dil.. which was all orange, then came Devdas which was all red, Black was shot in grey and now Saawariya is in blue. Even the music screams his name and any song in the album(not necessarily the title track) will tell you that it’s has the SLB signature. Melody has been the high point of the music in all his films, and this time is no different. Very few people like SLB, Yash Chopra, Aamir Khan etc sit through all the recording sessions irrespective of who the composer is. This perseverance and hard work reflects in the audio, as every tune is very sooth and easy listening. A collectors item and a must for every long romantic drive. The music just grows on you as you keep listening and if you have no idea of what I’m talking then here is a good place to start with. From what I hear the plot seems pretty weak but then we just want to see the breathtaking sets, cinematography, and SLB’s story telling abilities. The promos reveal nothing but a Hindu-boy-loves-muslim-girl angle, but we know(hope) that SLB is capable of much more than that and wait for the saga to unfold on screen.

OSO is a film that is completely the opposite of everything that Saawariya stands for. Loud jarring music with a retro feel, the story line is a comic spoof of the movies of the 70’s, complete masala movie with laughs, dances, action sequences, stunts, and slapstick comedy. Except for a couple of songs the rest are passable but they audio is a mega hit owing to the hyped marketing behind it. The songs will be shot in super locales with SRK spreading his arms and though I abhor it now, I’m gonna be hooting when he does it on screen. SRK has always said that he is his own PR person. Given the fact that he is pitted against a production house that will not bat an eyelid when it comes to splurging dough, SRK has gone to media and the small screen. Every reality show has had an OSO special like ‘Sa Re Ga Ma Pa‘(Zee), ‘Nach Baliye‘(Star+), ‘Koffee with Karan‘(Star1) etc. Even the most popular news channel CNN-IBN carries a dance challenge where winners get to meet SRK. The Hindustan Times leadership summit was also used as an able platform to talk about his 6-pack. A lot of heroes(read John Abraham, Hrithik etc) must be kicking themselves in teh rear for their perfectly sculpted bodies never attracted such attention as the 40yr old superstar. The story of OSO is out and bears no suspense unlike Saawariya which is a closely guarded secret. The movie has a strong ‘Karz‘ flavor and one of the songs seems like a tribute to the Subhash Ghai flick. OSO definitely looses to Saawariya when the totality of the album is taken into picture, but with a free autographed poster of the most famous 6-pack in the country OSO wins on audio sales. Latest news is that OSO has teamed up with MTV-India for the Lycra style awards and thereby adding some more weight to already heavy scales.

Let’s summarize things

• Saawariya
  • Big names like Sony pictures and Sanjay Leela Bhansali
  • Melodious and long lasting music by Monty Sharma
  • Debutant star kids Sonam and Ranbir Kapoor(both looking average)
  • Fantastics sets, cinematography
  • Slow and soulful both the music and the movie
  • Weak yet concealed storyline depends heavily on the master story teller SLB
• Om Shanti Om
  • SRK, SRK and SRK
  • Catchy and peppy tunes with a retro feel by Vishal-Shekar
  • Making her debut and looking absolutely stunning Deepika Padukone and supported by the talented Shreyas Talpade
  • Has all the ingredients of a masala blockbuster, comedy, romance, action and above all SRK!
  • Farah Khan’s direction will promise awesome locales, and breath taking song-and-dance sequences
  • Terrific small screen promotion with all prime time slots booked
  • Free poster with audio CD has sales hitting a new high

Well Sony Pictures may have all the money and SLB may have his classy touch, the movie will definitely be technically supreme and a sure nominee at every award ceremony. But they don’t have something that OSO has and probably the reason why OSO will take a dinosaur share of the BO opening and the producers of OSO will be the ones smiling in the end. Ladies and Gentlemen that something is…….
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The six-pack-khan Shahrukh Khan

* author does a sashtanga namaskaram *

Love is word that has been highly abused like its other 4-letter cousin It is used whenever something inexplicable happens, and people do crazy things under the excuse that love made them do it. Then there are tons of definitions that are used to churn out hundreds of movies by the Indian Cinema Industry. People like Yash Chopra in Bollywood and Raghavendra Rao down south have made epic movies on love, and they are followed like manuscripts by thousands of Indian youths. These merchants of love have made millions on run-of-the-mill stories where poor boy meets rich girl or vice versa and there has to be a villain who is generally

• The Father/Mother/Uncle on either the girl or boy’s side (depending on who is richer of the two)
• A jealous lover of the girl (since 2000 even guys are allowed to have jealous lovers!) or a drug lord/gangster who wants revenge from the hero or has killed the hero’s parents/sister

There is rarely a different permutation to this equation, but this is generally your love story. Coming back to the reason for this post, is what I described above called as love? Is this what love really is? If yes then how does it become divine? If someone has all of a sudden found a lot of willpower or confidence or dedication or motivation or inner strength or whatever you may, it is usually assumed to be the by-product of love. Anybody care to elucidate? Let us go by the assumption that the above is true and love does make people care and gives them strength, but then what is love? You’ve told me what it does and what it can make people do, but what is it to begin with?

There are a few who will read this post and immediately rattle an offline message or leave me a scrap saying that love can’t be defined and has to be felt! Oh yea, I know that was coming. Going by that assumption, if it is a mortal feeling that can’t be defined and only expressed then what is so sacred bout it and why is it divine? Anger, Greed, Pride are also feelings but then they aren’t weighed in the same balance! Why is there a bias then? Shouldn’t all feelings be treated with the same amount of respect or is it convenience?

If you are just shaking your head thinking that it’s high time someone fell in love then I have a question for you. So far we stuck with the argument that love is a feeling but now the term ‘falling in love‘ brings up a whole new discussion. I know it doesn’t mean falling on someone literally not to deny that it has been used in many Indian movies. There are scores of movies where an actor has to go through the harsh experience of a heavier co-star falling in love ON them! One would have to agree though that love is a much more favorable feeling as we shamelessly ignore other feelings in our bias towards love.

I realize that I fail to make sense, but then I have another question. Any one like to tell me what is true-love? After having watched close to a thousand movies and having seen almost all my friends act weird under the pretext of love, I dare not talk about it any more. What bothers me is that if there exists some thing called true-love then what about it’s antithesis? Is there a false-love as well? There is a long list of such contrived terms associated with it and ‘commitment’, ’soul mate’, ‘relationship’, ‘break up’ etc are just a few. What surprises me the most is that you can be in true-love today with someone, and next year the feeling still stays just that it’s a different someone. So it’s true today with someone and true with some other person next year, which means that it was false with the person today!

I know I’m getting nowhere with this as I attempt to summarize. Hormonal fluctuations and infatuations are often mistaken for love as young and vulnerable people then go ahead and mimic the screenplay of their favorite movie(doesn’t matter which one as the concept remains the same) which goes on for a few weeks and months in most cases as gift shops, coffee shops, malls and cinema halls make a killing. Then they get bored of each other and now we get to the interesting world of break-ups. This is followed by a heavy intake of booze for men and fatty food for women depending on who claims to be hurt the most and thus returning to the vulnerable state. Once again hormonal fluctuations and infatuations…….

The cycle endlessly continues till people learn the hard way and grow up……

ps: With inputs from Hari Bajjuri

Tags: love, failure, break up, movies

Ah Finally! I get to post in this space, I get some motivation to do what I loved the most. It’s been close to 250 days since my last post way back in October. Who better than ‘The Boss’ to kick off a fresh start to blogging again. To many in the west, the term ‘Boss’ is associated with Bruce Springsteen as he was popularly called the ‘Boss in concert’. When it comes to desis, ‘The Boss’ refers to the most powerful actor in Indian cinema, I’m gonna go one step ahead and say the most powerful actor in Asia!. Tis’ true for no actor comes close to commanding respect of fans worldwide. With the movie(Sivaji) being released in 27 countries and close to 2900 prints, making INR 150cr($37.5 million) in only three weeks at the box office! Sivaji truly elucidates the power of Rajini’s fan base.

There’s still a mad rush outside cinema halls as people throng to watch the costliest movie ever made in the history of Indian cinema. Sivaji is a Tamil flick being dubbed and released in other states of South India, but the stunning fact is that the movie is making money in states like Maharashtra, Delhi, and Madhya Pradesh. It’s not just the Tamil speaking crowd in these areas but locals as well, and that’s even more surprising. With almost all news channels doing ‘Sivaji‘ specials, and dedicated 30 min slots for reviews, stills, promos and trade buzz the hype grows exponentially. Everybody now wants to be part of this juggernaut and are trying to be associated in some way or the other, be it tickets, t-shirts or other merchandise, trivia and just about anything you can think of to make a fast buck.

The movie also brings together the biggest names in Indian cinema in Director Shankar, Music by A.R.Rahman, K.V.Anand behind the camera, Thota Tarani behind the sets, Manish Malhotra’s costumes, Peter Haynes’ fights and finally the trio of Prabhudeva, Raju Sundaram and Ragahava Lawrence as choreographers. The rising starlet of South Indian Cinema, Shriya Saran as the female lead Suman as the bad guy, and satirist Vivek as the role of Sivaji’s sidekick find themselves playing meaty roles in the movie. The movie also features many prominent South Indian actors but then Rajini takes it all. Right from the title to the credits it’s the sheer magic of Rajini’s on screen presence that keeps you glued to the seat. Tickets have been selling like hot cakes and in some areas they’ve been selling a ticket for INR 1500($37.5)! On an average though tickets generally never exceed INR 100($2.5), even in the US tickets are hard to get with most most movie halls displaying sold-out banners. Pricing the tickets at $15 doesn’t help as people are buying them no matter how much they cost. With great difficulty I managed to be part of this spectacle and I must say, its an experience worth the wait and the money spent.

The movie has generated a lot of buzz since early December with stills, and bits of information being leaked onto the internet ever since. With big names being associated, expectations have been rocketing sky high as fans patiently awaited the release. Rumors were that owing to over expectation the movie may fizz out at the box office but then all those have n=been put aside now as ‘Sivaji‘ is on course to become the highest grosser in Indian Cinema. One thing ought to be taken into consideration that it is a regional movie and only 6.3% of the Indian population speak Tamil, yet the movie outperforms all Bollywood flicks by a mile. For those of you who have never watched a Rajini movie, this hype may seem real weird and unwarranted but unless you experience it you’ll never change your opinion. The sets are spectacular and the songs have been shot spectacularly, but that is all put aside by the style, mannerisms, dialogs well in short rajinisms.I don’t find the need to discuss the plot here as you can find it elsewhere, but what I would like to speculate on is the power of cinema. A lot of hard work, style and dedication goes into making a good movie but when we speak of a great movie, it’s a different ball game altogether. A good movie is one that leaves you with a nice feeling when you come out of the cinema hall, a great movie is one that leaves a lasting impression on you for years to come. When it comes to their movies, Rajini and Shankar both excel at it and that is why you find yourself drawn to the cinema hall again and again.

Shankar is a genius, he knows the pulse of the audience, he knows how to make movies that cater to all sections of society. There are those high-flying, gravity-defying fight sequences that have the front-benchers and fans roaring, there are oodles of impromptu comedy that will have the balcony crowd in splits, there is the pain and agony of failure when ‘Aadhiseshan‘ hands over ‘Sivaji‘ a coin n asks him to beg alms for a living, sorry aunties as there is no unwanted sentiment like a death(which is turning point in most shankar movies). Shankar’s forte is attacking daily problems like corruption and he sticks to that formula again. Right from ‘Indian’ to ‘Sivaji‘, all Shankar movies show the hero unable to bear the atrocities around him and either a death or an incident act as a catalyst for the hero to fight against the system. There is no death in ‘Sivaji‘ however when he looses all his money and is left with a Re.1 coin, Rajini turns to ‘Simha padam‘ and its non-stop action thereafter. The fights are very well choreographed and the background score blends with every scene. Shankar has taken utmost care to maintain the larger than life image of Rajini with a message oriented opening song, Rajinisms, punch dialogs and tomfoolery while not wading too far away from his subject of how black money, bribes and corrupt officials are feeding of the system like parasites. Like all Shankar movies, Sivaji also finds an innovative way to fight the system which is obviously not in tandem with the law.

Rajini’s last movie was ‘Chandramukhi‘ and that was Rajini in a very mellowed down performance in a non-title role. After the debacle of ‘Baba‘, Rajini probably decided to do this movie with no hype, no image and more important no punch dialogs. Sivaji marks the return of the superstar in a title role and hogs 70% of screen time, Rajini has given up on-screen smoking and therefore he tosses a bubblegum into the air instead. Manish Malhotra has done a fantastic job on the costumes and the looks of ‘Thalaivar‘ as he is fondly called. Rajini sports over 50 differents looks and each of them is equally stunning, be it in the songs(king in ‘Vaaji Vaaji‘, villager in ‘Ballelaka‘, funky in ‘Oru Koodai‘, rockstar in ‘Athiradee‘ ) or in the scenes where he goes from riches to rags and back to riches. I’ve always maintained that what makes a great actor standout from a good actor is the ability to set aside an image and get low on comedy as well as emotion with style. Good actors can dance, fight and mouth a few good dialogues and probably end up with an award. Great actors are the ones who can do heavy emotional scenes by getting absorbed in the character, or tomfoolery and have the moviegoers in splits. This is what separates SRK, Amir Khan, Rajini, Big B, Chiru from the rest like Hrithik, Abhishek, Nag, Mahesh, Vijay, Ajith etc. In the first half Rajini almost emulates Vivek as the comedian trying to woo Shriya and it’s a treat to watch that. The scene wherein he mimics actors like MGR, Kamal Hassan is rib tickling and he performs them with utmost ease. It gets even better as this particular scene is re-shot in telugu where he mimics NTR, ANR and Chiru. The second half is pure style and substance as he bends the rules to achieve his goal. The bald headed ‘Mottai Boss‘ entry was a total shocker and had everyone completly blown away, Rajini is undoubtedly a super-style-star.

Notable rajinisms:

• Tossing the bubblegum
• Rotating his sunglasses
• Signing employment papers with both hands
• Playing with the coin before it lands in his pocket
• Rapping his fingers on his bald head
• Guitar fight and the Samurai sword fight

Shriya looks a million dollars as a pucca orthodox tamil girl and suits the role to perfection. A lot has gone into developing that look and it paid off as well. She looks stunning in the songs and Shankar has done his homework to highlight her huge eyes. Vivek is a complete package and at times in the first half seems like Rajini plays second fiddle to him. He has more punch dialogues than Rajini and literally comands screen presence in the first half as he helps Sivaji woo Tamilselvi. He is the more loyal sidekick in the second half but has the best lines. Suman is probably the most underrated actor in the South Indian Industry, but his ray-ban look as ‘Aadhiseshan‘ is a killer. Tall and burly he fits the role of a goonda turned businessman who owns colleges and hospitals that charge exorbitant fees.

Punch Dialogues

• Rajini
  • “Sivaji pera ketale chumma adhurudhulla” – “Hearing Sivaji’s name makes you feel the tremors”
  • “Kanna panninga dhaan kootama varum, singam single-a dhaan varum” – “Only pigs come in groups, lion comes single”
• Vivek
  • “Boss” – “Bachelor of Social Service”
  • “Sixkku appuram seven da, Sivajikku appuram yevenda” – “After six there is seven, after Sivaji there is no one.”
  • “Kuzhanthaigal paakurathu pogo, sivajikita vendaam go go” – “Kids watch pogo, don’t mess with Sivaji just go go”
  • “Chittoor Thaandina Kaatpaadi, Sivajiya cheendinaa Dead Body!” – “If you cross Chittoor you will reach Kaatpaadi, If you tease Sivaji you will become a Deadbody!”

Now there will be balcony rants bout how foolish some scenes were and that was always expected in a Shankar-Rajini film. The songs though shot brilliantly at magnificent locales and sets have no baring with the story line and seem like a separate track. Shankar never believes in using the songs to tell stories and therefore always has larger than life settings for them. Shankar loves technology and prefers using the latest equipment when it comes to film-making, the CGI visuals may seem a tad overdone. The fights also seem to be unwarranted for, but just to keep up with the image of Rajini and all the high flying action may not go well with the so-called posh audiences. The song and fight sequences are purely plug and play like other Shankar and can fit anywhere in the movie, we’re least bothered as they are a visual treat and bear no connection to the story. The scene where Sivaji electrocutes himself and Raghuvaran playing a guest role as a doctor performs CPR on him after 10-15 mins may seem a bit too much.

Frag everything that isn’t right and just sit back to experience the magic of Sivaji, forget the rants, forget that there exists something called logic, watch the movie for what it is, the screaming, dancing, the rejoicing in the aisles, buckets of paper at your feet and a sore throat three hours later. This is what sums up the whole Sivaji experience.

Technorati: Movie, Rajini, Review, Sivaji

Tere dil mein meri saanson ko panaah mil jaye.Tere ishq mein meri jaan Fanaa ho jaye.

What do you do when
1) you are a young and emerging director with decent success making romantic comedies and want to try something out of the box?

2) you are an ace actor who just had a super blockbuster (that was not only thought provoking but also a rousing commercial success) and want to flaunt you new Tom Hanks/ Robert Langdon hairstyle?

3) you are a very famous actress with numerous awards to your name, just had a kid and want to announce your arrival in the industry?

4) you own one of the most successful production houses in the country and want to touch a few issues rather thatn using your tried and tested hit formula?

5) You are a script/dialogue writer who just stumbled upon hidden book of ‘Shayari’ and want to try it on the unsuspecting ‘junta’? (If I find the guy, I’ll break his wrists)

Ans: Yes there is a common answer to all the 5 above questions and that is:

“You make Fanaa“

The whole NRI junta is goin gaga over this new hindi movie to hit the shores. here are a few questions that may zip past your head:

1) Is it worth all the hype?

2) I heard that it has something to do with terrorists, so is it in the same league as ‘Roja‘?

3) Aamir Khan was fantabulous in RDB, does he weave the same magic here?

4) Kajol looks great will she sweep the awards this time round as well?

5) I loved Kunal Kohli’s previous films, so is it even more snazzier n hep? It’s got my fav pair in it, so phuleeez mayur temme!

6) Man! Yashraj movies are always a treat to watch so what’s in store for us this time?

7) The ’shayari’ in that ‘Chand Sifarish‘ song was awesome so do we look forward to great shayari packed powerful dialogues?

Terrorism obviously points towards kashmir, so the cinematography and scenes must be great right?

9) Yashraj films hasn’t had any big love-saaga after ‘Veer-Zaara‘, so is has the ‘merchant of love’ let another cup winner from his stables?

10) The posters and other online resources indicate big names in the support cast, so can we expect scintillating cameos?

Ans: Again all the above questions more or less have the same answer and that is:

“thumbs-down/’thenga’!”

It really pains to see when you have all the ingredients of a great movie right from the lead pair, support cast, director, production house, music, lyrics and the extensive media promotion bolstered by the internet. But then what is this moron whining about? You just named all of them!

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 21st century. Generally movies are made around someting we call the STORY! We were so busy gathering requirements that we forgot the principal ingredient! It’s like you’re baking a cake, have a dozen cookbooks by your side, you get a fancy apron and chefs hat, you have eggs, sugar, color everything. Then you notice that u’ve forgot the flour!

It was a pain to watch almost everybody but the pair and the mom-dad pair reduced to no-roles. If the Shayari didn’t bore you then the deodorant like bomb trigger sure will. We have so much technology with millions been thrown into making movies and all you can do is rip the plastic of a deodorant and parade it as a trigger? The movie takes you around delhi but in the process shows that getting into the Rashtrapathi Bhavan just needs an emotional sardar! Poor potrayal firstly and secondly the Rashtrapathi Bhavan? C’mon playing sudoku could be more exciting. Then we the worlds most lenient parents who are ready to marry their blind daughter to a guy whose name the don’t know forget meeting him!.

Then you have Tabu, somebody plz temme wat is she doin there lookin like snoopy? I’m not a MCP and i believe that most female agents kick ass, but this surely was the worst you could get.
Then the climax, god almighty plz save us. Hollywood has turned the savitri way when Tom Cruise was brought to life from the jaws of death(read my previous posts) in MI3 and here you give Kajol a gun and let her shoot her hubby? Oh ya I completely forgot you can comeback after 5 years and yor girlfriend will forgive you, marry you and let you be the father of her son!

The worst is yet to come. You have two helicopters over the snow without a single flake of snow flying and some weird graphics as the baddie crashes. The final nail in the coffin was when Kajol shoots her hubby and then cries over his body and says(gear up)….. I LOVE YOU

Sadly it proves once again that in bollywood starpower prevails all. Poor camera work, no storyline at all, wasted support cast, wasted guest appearances, excessive shayari and a lot more, all overshadowed by a fantastic lead pair. The movie collects 32 crores worldwide in week 1 and this post will seem meaningless now….

ladies and gentlemen we never learn!

Friggin awesome!

The power of story telling is what keeps the audience guessing at every moment. I give a iguana’s ass to the morons that feel its corruptin faith, sacrilegious my foot, to hell with those who feel that it’s against the very values we stand by. Forget Hans Zimmer’s psychedelic background score, forget the cute Audrey Tautou as Sophie Neveu, forget the suave Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon, Sir Ian McKellen as Leigh Teabing frag everything that isn’t right. It’s time to sit and celebrate the sheer brilliance of story telling and watch like a three year old how the plot unfolds.

O, Draconion devil!
Oh, lame saint!

There are many great books, but they fizzle out when made into movies. Cinema is a very powerful medium and probably the most powerful. And when such a medium is used to pass the message that the very values we stand by could all be a farce, it hurts the ppl who preach them. The reviews seem biased and tis obvious many people don’t want it to sweep across lands. People are trying to keep audiences away but that wil not be the case. Books make you visualise, but when the visuals are thrust upon you, one tends to realise that such a thing could really happen.

When god becmes a mortal and is said to have a normal man-like life, people wil question all the things they blindly believed and followed earlier. Faith is at question now as sucha thing could have been possible. Though only a work of fiction it cites historic work that gives your brain cells some activity.

Gnostic writings do suggest that Dan Brown may have a point, and this is what I found in the Gospel of Philip.

There were three who always walked with the Lord: Mary, his mother, and her sister, and Magdalene, the one who was called his companion. His sister and his mother and his companion were each a Mary.

and more

They said to him “Why do you love her more than all of us?” The Savior answered and said to them, “Why do I not love you like her? When a blind man and one who sees are both together in darkness, they are no different from one another. When the light comes, then he who sees will see the light, and he who is blind will remain in darkness.

Nobody can tell that if there really existed any relationship with Mary Magdalene, or any of the numerous terms used in the book/movie. But surely everybody must agree that Brown is a wily fox that has brought this serpent to bite our bossoms.

Wathched the movie back-to-back continuously. No other movie has recieved such respect from a so-called-out-of-this-planet-movie-critic.

The Holy Grail ‘neath ancient Roslin waits.
The blade and chalice guarding o’er Her gates.
Adorned in masters’ loving art, She lies.
She rests at last beneath the starry skies.

The book came in 2003 but the name has been associated with me since ninth grade(1998), strange but true! It is paradoxically inexplicable and intriguing.
maxdavinci is really proud that he’s training to be a cryptologist, probably it was destiny. The movie is only a sign, probably this is why he came here……

*this post has a strong mallu flavor with no intended malice*

The movie begins with ‘Ethanesan nayar’(Mohanlal) a peace loving kathakali artist who often goes away on dance performances with his troupe. The truth is that under his pot belly is a strongly guarded secret, he is part of a secret agency that was established by the great king ‘Swathi thirunal‘ in the 1800’s. Their mission should they choose to accept it is to protect the sanctity of the temples of Kerala.

His girlfriend Srivalli Kutti(Meera Jasmine) is a ayurvedic doctor who always treats patients like her own kin. One day when they are having a party at home (not to forget a Arabic/Bhangra mix song sequence to please the viewers in gelf) Ethanesan gets a call to rescue a female agent Akhilandeswari Kutti(Trisha Krishnan) who has been kidnapped by a ruthless gang. For old times sake (we again cut to another song sequence where we show training and one side love from the female agent) Ethanesan accepts the mission and sets out with his team to find her.

Here we introduce his teammates Paramasivan Chettiyar(Suresh Gopi) a frnd who has been with him on previous missions, Radhakrishnan Nambiar(Vineeth) and Seethamahalaxmi(Yana Gupta, well we want some non-mallu glamour as well). They locate Akhilandeswari in an unused ‘nendrapayam’ (large Kerala banana) chips factory that resembles the RedFort on 26th January! As cool as ever Ethanesan dodges bullets, bombs punches a few goons, floats in the air(at this point of time there are cheers and whistles in the lower stalls, u know the Rs.10 guys) and reaches the agent. He frees her and the team escapes in a tractor. They are now followed by a faster tractor that runs a V8 engine n so we have a tractor chase sequence in a paddy field at night. In the midst of this wannabe action sequence the female agent pops out due to a detonated bug that was implanted in her head in the villain’s lair.

We’ve had enough of non-stop action so we now have a sad song as Ethanesan cries for his one time apprentice who is now dead in his arms. We constantly switch the camera back and forth as Ethanesan recalls the times with her, as he does the customary closing of eyelids. And with the cinematic license I have, we allowed Ethanesan to light her pyre as he was her friend and well wisher at the agency. Here we end the song with Ethanesan in a dhoti and bare-chested by the riverside with the ashes of Akhilandeshwari in his hands and revenge in his eyes.

Chalo now let’s cut back to the agency where the chief Kesavan Namboodiri (Mamootty) is all mad about the wasted mission where the team recovered nothing and also lost the agent. We try to show negative shades for Mr. Namboodiri here and that adds spice to the plot. Ethanesan receives an empty envelope from Akhilandeswari with an encoded invisible message. Ethanesan finds out that our villain Murugappaswamy (Prakash Raj) is after something called ‘Appukuttans hand’. What and why are what make up the crux of the movie and even a novice director like me won’t tell u more.

To avenge the death of Akhilandeshwari, Ethanesan sets out with his team on a self initiated mission to find Muruguppaswamy and the secret of ‘Appukuttans hand’. They plot to kidnap Muruguppaswamy at the Guruvayoor festival and chalk out an exhaustive plan. Here we show Ethanesan scaling the walls of the temple and mingling with the crowd in the guise of a temple ‘namboodiri’. Now Muruguppaswamy performs a kathakali dance every year before the procession. Ethanesan’s team use hi-tech gadgetry and using Paramasivan’s make-up skills Ethanesan dons the kathakali of Muruguppaswamy. What follows next is slick camerawork and song in the praise of the lord. Muruguppaswamy is lured by the seductive Seethamahalaxmi and this is when the switch is made. An explosion takes place in the temple as our team whisks the villain away.

Now Ethanesan tries his best to interrogate Muruguppaswamy and extract details of ‘Appukuttans hand’ but our bad guy only swears to inflict pain on Ethanesan. As Muruguppaswamy is being escorted to the agency headquarters by Ethanesan’s team, the convoy is ambushed and the baddie escapes. Prakash Raj and Mohan Lal exchange glances as the camera swerves back and forth between their eyes, not to forget the techno type background score that’s constantly blaring. This is where we have the intermission…..

Now for the remaining audience who dared to step back into the hall we continue from where we left of. Akhilandeswari’s message speaks of a traitor in the agency and warns Ethanesan to be prepared. In the meanwhile Ethanesan’s saucy girlfriend is kidnapped from the ayurvedic centre and Muruguppaswamy demands ‘Appukuttan’s hand’ as ransom. Ethanesan has 48 hours to get ‘Appukuttans hand’ and save his lady. Back in the office Kesavan Namboodiri is furious for an unauthorized mission and takes Ethanesan in, on the grounds of conspiring with Muruguppaswamy. This is where we try to show the negative shades of the chief and make the plot even more intriguing. Ethanesan’s immediate superior Unnikrishnan (Naseer) gives him the impression that his haunch about Kesavan is true and the chief and our villain are brothers in crime. He also tells Ethanesan that ‘Appukuttan’s hand’ is in Sikkim. Ethanesan makes a breathtaking escape from the agency full of the best keralites. Well this is when our Rs.10 guys jump with joy as the hero escapes from such a heavily guarded agency, the guys in the upper stalls are shocked but then they realize that it’s a mallu movie and such things are expected.

Focus now shifts to Gangtok, Sikkim as the team plans a way to get into the building that houses the piece of shit everybody in this movie is after. In what proves to be the best stunt of the movie, Ethanesan tucks up his pot belly and performs a pendulum type stunt as he jumps on to another building without any padding or safety. The guys in the lower stalls are tearing the seats in joy as their idol defies physics, but the balcony audiences slowly begin to realize that this isn’t any slick agent flick but a knee-level dhoti type masala show. Still they manage to suppress their anger as every soul in the hall awaits the breath-taking stunts within the building when Ethanesan is going to steal ‘Appukuttan’s hand’. This is the moment of truth, this is the moment 1000’s of fans have been waiting for, this is the scene people have paid for, and this is it!

This is where we hit them hard, a super twist! We don’t show them what they want to see. We pull our hero in and out of the building even before you could say ‘Bhagawane!’ Ha Ha how does that feel suckers? I know I’m too good. Let’s finish the movie for the people who are still sitting in the hall cajoling their girlfriends. So now Ethanesan has ‘Appukuttans hand’ and is speeding towards the villains lair where Srivalli is held hostage. Ethanesan finds himself near an abandoned garage when a car pulls over, the driver asks him to take a drug and sit in the backseat. As expected Ethanesan drinks the drug, goes drowsy, passes out and wakes up all tied up with Muruguppaswamy in front of him. Srivalli is also tied and gagged as Muruguppaswamy keeps asking for ‘Appukuttans hand’, even though Ethanesan handed over the shit he stole. What follows now is a series of arguments as Muruguppaswamy puts a gun to Srivalli’s forehead. In a fit of rage he pulls the trigger and bang! Here I bring in shrieks, Ethanesan yell that is slowed down to give that booming ultra slow effect. Time for a sad song as scenes cut across Ethanesan’s head, we make it a sad duet with Yesudas and Chitra while we Ethanesan recollects the fun times with his bride to be.

After the teary eyed song it’s time for a final twist, as Ethanesan is staring at his dead wife in comes his superior and pulls over the mask which reveals that the dead lady is actually Muruguppaswamy’s P.A and not Srivalli. Unnikrishnan now breaks the ice by narrating how he and Muruguppaswamy compromised to benefit each other. Muruguppaswamy’s mafia connections and Unnikrishnan’s access to top secret info made their alliance fruitful for both. Akhilandeswari came to know of this and therefore they conspired to kill her. Ethanesan was setup for the whole movie as he and only he could retrieve ‘Appukuttans hand’. Now that the whole plot has been revealed we allow our hero to break the ropes and beat the hell out of Unnikrishnan, he then tries to find his beloved Srivalli.

Since it’s a so-called action flick we show Srivalli tied up and surrounded by a few goons as our hero needs a last chance to flex those muscles. After beating up the baddies as he begins to untie his girlfriend’s ropes, his head begins to swerve with shooting pain. Enter out fat villain and he punches a hapless Ethanesan who can only shriek for the pain in his head. Turns out that Muruguppaswamy planted a similar bug in Akhilandeswari’s head as well and that explains her death. So we let our villain throw our hero on tables, though glass panes etc. Finally when he is about to really kill Srivalli, our hero gathers all his energy and has just enough to pounce on the villain, grab his pistol and sink it into his heart!

Ok we almost forgot bout the splitting headache, so Ethanesan asks Srivalli to put power chords on either side of his head and hit the switch thereby short circuiting the bug! There is mild response from the Rs.10 guys as even they begin to find it absurd. So Srivalli does as told and viola! Ethanesan conks out! Yes sir, you have to believe your eyes! A bruised and battered Unnikrishnan hobbles towards ‘Appukuttans hand’ as Srivalli shoots him between the eyes. She then places Ethanesan’s head on her lap and wails in disbelief, well almost the same feeling in the hall only that the reason is slightly different. She curses the gods for taking Ethanesan away and challenges their authority.

In what turns out to be a digital masterpiece, Srivalli breaks into the last song of the movie as she questions the goddess for taking away Ethanesan’s life. We shift the camera from Srivalli to a temple atop a hill and back. Then as we focus on the temple we keep tilting the camera back and forth to give a dizzy effect. Then there are strong winds followed by thunder and lighting. To sum it all up the bells in the temple go crazy and there is that full devotional fervor that is coming from Srivalli’s prayers. As the song reaches its end and the playback singer hits the high notes the tremors in the temple increase, so do the bells, the wind is unstoppable, lighting is striking like crazy and the goddess is now beginning to feel Srivalli’s anger. In a guest appearance Ramyakrishnan as the goddess with bloodshot eyes does a brief ‘tandav’ and then falls on the floor unable to bear the tremors and the power of Srivalli’s love.

From the ‘trishul’ comes a Jyothi(flame) that travels all the way to Ethanesan’s heart and breathes life into him. Ethanesan coughs and wakes up to find himself in Srivalli’s arms. Her love for him conquered death everything else had to bow before the power of her love. A jolt of lighting strikes the garage as the goddess (Ramyakrishna looking gorgeous in a saree) appears and blesses them.

Enough of family stuff so I let the lead pair break into one sultrier beach song, with 100 babes in scanty clothes and bare-chested hairy men. This is supposed to be an item song and will try to hold the remaining audience in their seats for a little longer. To heat things up we end the song with the pair making love and hope to invite some whistles from the crowd.

For a happy ending we show Kesavan Namboodiri apologizing to Ethanesan for suspecting his integrity and offering him a higher position which Ethanesan declines. Kesavan adds that if Ethanesan stays back he’ll tell him the secret of ‘Appukuttans hand’. Ethanesan laughs away as he carries his bride across the hallway and we close the curtains. Aspirin, pain balm, and hankies are available at the exit.

Some hunk from Hollywood some Cruise guy has bought the rights to make it in English, I wish him luck but then a mallu movie is always a mallu movie, can’t work the same magic elsewhere.