In lamhon ke daaman mein…….

It’s not everyday that you come across a movie of epic proportions, but then most of them are plagued by the burden of heavy expectations. Ashutosh Gowariker’s latest offering ‘Jodha Akbar‘ sadly falls into the same league. The promos, music and the big names ensured that the movie had a monstrous opening on the weekend but not many people left the cinema halls with the same feeling that they had while entering. There has been controversy surrounding the name of Akbar’s wife and everyone seems to have heard a different version of the story, what matters is that he married a Hindu woman and lets call her ‘Jodha’ for that is how it was in ‘Mughal-e-Azam‘. You’ve got to cut the guy some slack, how on earth do you expect to market a film called ‘Harkha Akbar’ or ‘Akbar Mariam‘ after spending close to INR 40 Cr! Now that we have grown over the name and watched the trailer of Abbas-Mastan’s ‘bhai-vs-bhai-ladki-ke-liye’ thriller Race three times in a row, the movie opens with the director explaining the reason behind naming the film in a 200 word essay.

The very first scene opens with a war sequence as I tried to stifle my laughter looking at the extras and the choreographed formations. I agree it’s very difficult while filming with so many extras they seemed like running into each other, looking confused and playing dandiya . There was a roar in the hall when HR says ‘Hamle ke liye tayyar’, only to be dampened by his non-involvement in the ensuing battle with cannons blowing into the camera and elephants crushing the heads of foot soldiers!

Question se answer tak:

1. Question: How do you justify the 40Cr you have spent on a period film?
   Answer: You build large sets with intricate designs and design heavily ornate jewelery to go with it.
2. Question: How do you get an elephant to act?
   Answer: Film him in the same frame with Hrithik Roshan after all for the guy who runs faster than a horse, taming an elephant ought to be childs play!
3. Question: How do you make eyes pop to the most beautiful sufi rendition of recent times?
   Answer: Get it filmed on odd looking performers with weird hats and asynchronous clapping. If that does send people into a trance make the performers spin and also take the assistance of divine lights!
4. Question: How do you manage to turn on a queen who spends her time singing bhajans and playing with doves?
   Answer: Show off your swashbuckling swordsmanship and bare your torso, just in case she isn’t impressed by your blade. She will be dazed by the drops of sweat trickling down from the neck to your lower back. It’s a trip to gay paradise for all men watching though….
5. Question: What is the optimum height to carry out an execution?
   Answer: Will be proportional to his mass (massXgXheight), so use trial and error method. Try again if your initial estimation is wrong.
6. Question: What is the right time to sing praise to your lord(bhajan)?
   Answer: When people in the adjacent courtroom are debating on how you pose a threat to their religion.
7. Question: What does an illiterate king do when quizzed on calligraphy?
   Answer: Praise the weird looking designs and if further grilled you better confess.
8. Question: How do you avenge the execution of your corrupt and scrupulous son?
   Answer: Create rifts between the King and Queen and brand her as an assassin, plotting the downfall of the kingdom.
9. Question: How do you woo your wife and bring her home from her fathers place?
   Answer: Indulge in a crouching tiger like duel with your queen and keep fighting till she gets distracted.
10. Question: How do you make love to your Queen without courting any controversy?
    Answer: Fondle each other for five minutes and pray that the god damn song finishes quickly.
11. Question: What do you do if you are a prince without a kingdom?
    Answer: You shuttle between kingdoms in a bid to garner some support, get tricked into believing that your cousin is evil and sacrifice yourself when you realize how foolish you have been.
12. Question: How do you trounce a 7 foot rebel leader who stakes claim to your throne?
    Answer: Simple, defeat him in a hand to hand duel. Now don’t tell me it reminds you of Troy, after all Akbar was a Complan boy!

All said and done, I still liked the movie and won’t mind watching it again…