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Archive for the ‘laff beta laff’ Category

dandanakka eh danukanakka…….

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The title of this post was a very funny song that gaya introduced me to, and ever since I’ve had to hold my stomach and LOL’ed so hard whenever I’ve hear this song. Non-Tamizh readers can at least relate to the weird lyrics and beats. Some Tamizh readers can identify the voice and that is none other than our so-called-multi-talented-multi-faceted roachstar chimbu! Now before the All-India-Roachstar-Fans-Association burn my effigies, I’ll get into the real reason behind this post. Some time ago I announced my existence and promised to post about my flop-a-thon experiences. Over the past few weeks I have realized the potential of bad cinema and the service it does to mankind. These movies tiltilate the masses with scantily clad heroines prancing around in their high heels, crass comedy, vulgar dialogs, bad actors with constipated expressions, amateur music directors, freestyle-aerobics-type-choreography, gaudy make up, oh I could go on. But then what goes noticed is the employment opportunities they create.

I’d even stick out my neck and claim that the railways comes a close second to this “Industry” in being the single largest employer. The railways may have more bihari-babus on their payroll but in terms of working hands the “Industry” is way ahead. Such selfless service to mankind inspite of repeated box-office failures is truly praise worthy and shall not go unnoticed. Ladeej and Juntalmen, It’s my honour to present the first ever ‘Dandanakka Awards’ for the year 2008, celebrating ineptitude in cinema. Below are the various categories and winners.

  • Most forgettable debut of the year: This without an iota of doubt has to goto the multi-talented-self-proclaimed-genius Himmes bhai or ‘aech-aar’ as he is fondly called for portraying 258 constipated expressions in a single frame. Amongst the females, the award goes to ‘Bottomless Khan‘ for bringing white shirts into vogue. Don’t be surprised if your boyfriend buys you one of those and sets up a sprinkler system in the garden.
  • Most painful lyrics of the year: This award had to goto the title song of the movie ‘Shakalaka boom’. Those who want to contest this award will have to explain the meaning of the phrase shaka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka, Shaka laka boom boom. It first appeared to be a cheap take on the Thalaivar’s laka laka laka from Chandramukhi, However I realised it was a product of Himessing.
  • Cochlea damaging music of the year: Well the lejund of b-grade moosik was back with a bang this year after having sung some surprisingly good songs for V&S in Taxi 9211 and ARR in Guru. It’s a pleasure to announce this years award to the person who instated this category in the first place. Ladeej and Juntalmen it is none other than the great Bappida for making our ears bleed to his tunes for the movie ‘Gadha Mar Gaya‘.
  • Unsupporting actors award: Jayaji makes a rather surprising entry into the world of horrible cinema, but for sewing rags every time she wants to cry(which was always!) and kicking her elder daughter out of the younger ones wedding, we give the award to her so-called stellar performance in ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘. The Deols have always been patrons of bad cinema and Bobby continues the legacy with his painful performances in ‘Shakalaka Boom’ and ‘Jhoom Barabar Jhoom‘. Sadly both movies were about dancing, a virtue that is alien to the men of the Deol household. If any of you wish to contest my choice then don’t forget there was ‘Kaun hain Jaisalmer‘, ‘Naqaab‘ and ‘Apne‘ as well.
  • Forgetful comeback of the year: This is my favorite for it goes to an actor who himself forgot it was his comeback appearance. In a year of comebacks right from Govinda to Madhuri, also claimed to have seen Jugal Hansraj making a brief appearance in ‘Naaja Bachle‘. Somebody please tell him that he was in the movie.
  • Unbearable actor of the year: It’s been a wonderful year for bad cinema with some good actors also making handsome contributions. For his role of a sleepy eyed writer called ‘Doc’ in ‘Kaash‘ and the most unbearable portrayal of ‘Heeru’ in ‘RGV ki Bhaag‘, the years most prestigeous award goes to national award recipient Ajay Devgan. Amongst the women Rani Mukherjee takes the cake for completing a hattrick of tawaif roles with ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘ and ‘Saava variya‘, ‘Uncle Gaandey‘ being the first.
  • Most treacherous film of the year: This was the easiest and a unanimous choice, setting the trend for bad movies. It’s become a cult movie of sorts drawing parallels to movies like Gunda and Loha. Bhaiyon aur unke Beheno put your hands together for RGV and his Bhaag, as this year’s winner for the award of the most treacherous film of the year.
  • Most Disgruntled Director of the year: After making a movie like ‘Black Friday‘ that earned its place amongst the best of the year, Anurag Kashyap doesn’t satisfy the connoisseurs of bad cinema by dishing out a movie like never before and never again. Probably 10 years from now, audiences may understand the movie after watching it 20-30 times but it went over my head after a dual encore. Without an iota of doubt the award for this year goes to Anurag Kashyap for ‘No Smoking‘.
  • Out-of-sync Singer of the year: There are singers and then there is Himes Bhai. But then there is a man who is a level higher than everyone, he is none other than the pappi-chor Mika Singh. For parading poetry recitation and synchronized dialogs as singing, the award goes to Mika for ‘Aye Ganpat‘ from ‘Shootout at Lokhandwala‘.
  • Unplayable screenplay of the year: For the most construed series of events unfolding in the name of cinema with cliched indo-brit sentiments and an underdog story that defies logic with potbellied men running across a football field, the award goes to the team of ‘Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal‘.
  • Horrendous actor in a negative performance: This category had many promising nominees, but then the youth in me is biased towards the shockingly endowed and allergic to apparel, Mona/Sherlyn Chopra. Here I wish to clarify that it’s not for the reasons mentioned above but for her role as a psychotic, mentally ill and serial killing whore in the film ‘Red Swastika‘. You might be thinking “who is he trying to fool”, lekin sach keh raha hoon…. lol!
  • Non-Existent story of the year: It has been a fantastic year for bad cinema with great names doing the needful, and Sanjay Leela Bhansali has condescended to give us a story that begun and ended without any change. It takes sheer talent and great dedication to write a story that spans three hours and yet leaves everything like it was, untouched. We need to encourage such manuscripts and they shall serve as inspiration to the millions of small time writers. Please join me in applauding SLB for his commendable contribution to bad cinema and giving us India’s first blue film.
  • Intolerable actor in a comic role: There were plenty of hopefuls for this award, cheap and crude humor being the forte of bad cinema. Please don’t accuse me for being a bhakta of sleaze, but I am tempted to give the award to Rakhi Sawant for exposing the casting couch that exists in the industry. When someone fornicates with not one but four corpses under the pretext of struggling in ‘Gadha mar gaya‘, it sure is funny and worthy of praise.
  • Lifetime under-achievement award: There have been many wannabes but then there is the lejund. For selectively picking bad roles and essaying them with utmost imperfection, this year’s award goes to Anupam Kher. What did he do this year? you may ask. Well for acting dead in a lifeless movie and being brave enough to fornicate with Rakhi Sawant, for playing the role of a cliched small town bollywood father and coughing so much that his germs spread onto the screen and infected the movie, ‘Gadha mar gaya’, and ‘Lag gaya chunari main bhang’

Well these were the Dandanakka awards for this year and I hope to do the same next year as well. Some of you may not approve of my choices, but are free to go ahead and voice your opinion. After having watched exactly 50 movies across Hindi, Tamizh, Telugu and enduring the most painful experience known to mankind, I broke the penance with this much needed and refreshing movie. With ‘Krazzy 4’ and ‘U me aur Hum’ releasing over the weekend, the dark side is tempting me again and I might set my eyes on the three figure mark!

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Written by maxdavinci

April 16, 2008 at 12:44 am

Allo Allo dis is Nighthawk…….

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Ze flashing knobs!….

Okay! now that I have paid tribute to a childhood memory, and announced my existence let us get on with the business shall we? A grueling work schedule and a string of dud movies in the evenings let me on an expedition into uncharted waters. I unraveled the world of horrible cinema, a world that is often forgotten and is relegated to the depths of the industry by the runaway blockbuster hits. After having to bear the misfortune of witnessing seven in a row, I decided to push harder and put myself through an endurance test. The month long flop-a-thon was severely painful and there have been times when I have cried myself to sleep, for I was too drained to cook and nobody delivers pizza here after twelve. Bruised and battered but I’ve survived and my perseverance has paid of, for now I am up to any challenge. Finding movies was not at all difficult, given the fact that out of the 150-or-so movies only 10-15 are hits and make it to the nominees list in award ceremonies. I am grateful to the numerous movie forums and their uploaders and not to forget Youtube, Google videos, Dailymotion and other hosting services for making such gems accessible. Finding all the material for my research online, helped me save on DVD rentals from blockbuster and desi distributors. Having watched 25 of the worst films of the year has fueled me to better myself and push the limits to doing a golden jubilee of flops.

The month long hiatus made me realize how many people check this space for updates. Has been such a nice feeling and writing again has never felt any better. Thank you all for those comments, scraps, and offline messages, without which I would have never realized how many people subscribe to my blog. I promise that i shall be back to regular blogging averaging two posts a week(hopefully).

Watch this space for my next post as I publish the findings of my flop-a-thon….

Written by maxdavinci

March 31, 2008 at 7:36 pm

Posted in laff beta laff, phillum

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To grade or not to grade…….

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P.H.D Comics is the only comic strip I subscribe to and accept that I am not cool enough to read popular ones like Dilbert, Calvin & Hobbes etc simply because I can’t relate to them. I was never a fan of comic strips though I still remember the joy in snatching the Economic Times from my dad, just for the toons page. The Sunday Times was special for it had the Wizard of Id, Hagar the Horrible, Garfield, Dennis the Menace and a couple of others. I’ve loved my comics though be it Tintin, Asterix, and the girly Archie to the desi Tinkle. Even now I can recollect the episodes of He-Man, Force-Five and G.I.Joe on the tube. Cartoon Network was the best thing to happen and brought Johnny Quest, Scooby Doo, Swat Kats, The Mask, My all-time-favorite Dexter, and a host of toons to our lives. Now this warrants another post before I drift away.
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Vaazhthugal – A crash course in tamizh…….

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Saw the so-called blockbusters of the tamizh pongal bonanza back to back this weekend and I’m glad to have survived the ordeal. Tamizh cinema has often succumbed to hero worship and the new releases of the season plunge to an all new low. I hope this and the previous two posts, serve as an early warning to unsuspecting junta.
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Written by maxdavinci

February 4, 2008 at 6:15 pm

Kaalai – The bull disappeared from the BSE, and so did this one…….

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Pardon me Simbu fans, for your idol has always reminded me of a cockroach! It was very amusing to imagine an insect belonging to phylum Arthropoda as a bull. Just like the previous post, even here I fail to understand how the title was related to the story, except for the million times the word ‘Kaalai‘ was uttered as part of the BGM. Deliberate eh? But then you have to hand it out to the director for the very unique characterization. How often do you come across a movie where three unrelated people share the same name? And when almost everybody in the movie is after a ‘Jeeva’ your brain cells are put to work as you decipher who is after whom. But then once you’ve got this sorted out you once again can’t stop thinking of that thing that runs around your kitchen sink and bathroom pipes.
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Written by maxdavinci

February 4, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Bheema – When a man loves another…….

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Yep, ladeej and juntalmen Bheema is the first tamizh gay film and makes Will&Grace look amateurish. After giving us India’s first 70mm blue film for Diwali, the industry gives us a gay flick for Pongal! Shekar adores and idolizes Chinna ever since he was a kid and wants to be like him. They actually edited out a scene wherein the stick that Chinna hands over to Shekar sends shivers through his body. There might have even been a dream sequence song where Shekar is bathing in a pond and fantasizing about Chinna, but this is something only our director saar can clarify. Twenty years later, an all beefed up Shekar joins Chinna’s gang and single handedly takes on his enemies. In a bid to throw sand into peoples eyes and keep them guessing, we have a heroine who is mad about shekar and sings songs with him in dream sequences. Poor thing, little did she know that she was part of a triangular love story and there was just one-way traffic from her side.
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Written by maxdavinci

February 4, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Posted in laff beta laff, phillum, Review

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Baba Bangali….

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Dear Baba Bangali,

Couple of weeks ago we successfully raised our voice against a popular south-indian actress. The protest deeply cut through media while people stood up and took notice of our activities. After having announced our arrival we are now looking for another issue so that we are not skirted away by the media. We seek your blessings, and direction as we scout for the next celebrity-award-function.

Your ardent devotees,

Hindu Makkal Katchi (HMK)
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Written by maxdavinci

January 24, 2008 at 1:32 am