dandanakka eh danukanakka…….

The title of this post was a very funny song that gaya introduced me to, and ever since I’ve had to hold my stomach and LOL’ed so hard whenever I’ve hear this song. Non-Tamizh readers can at least relate to the weird lyrics and beats. Some Tamizh readers can identify the voice and that is none other than our so-called-multi-talented-multi-faceted roachstar chimbu! Now before the All-India-Roachstar-Fans-Association burn my effigies, I’ll get into the real reason behind this post. Some time ago I announced my existence and promised to post about my flop-a-thon experiences. Over the past few weeks I have realized the potential of bad cinema and the service it does to mankind. These movies tiltilate the masses with scantily clad heroines prancing around in their high heels, crass comedy, vulgar dialogs, bad actors with constipated expressions, amateur music directors, freestyle-aerobics-type-choreography, gaudy make up, oh I could go on. But then what goes noticed is the employment opportunities they create.

I’d even stick out my neck and claim that the railways comes a close second to this “Industry” in being the single largest employer. The railways may have more bihari-babus on their payroll but in terms of working hands the “Industry” is way ahead. Such selfless service to mankind inspite of repeated box-office failures is truly praise worthy and shall not go unnoticed. Ladeej and Juntalmen, It’s my honour to present the first ever ‘Dandanakka Awards’ for the year 2008, celebrating ineptitude in cinema. Below are the various categories and winners.

• Most forgettable debut of the year: This without an iota of doubt has to goto the multi-talented-self-proclaimed-genius Himmes bhai or ‘aech-aar’ as he is fondly called for portraying 258 constipated expressions in a single frame. Amongst the females, the award goes to ‘Bottomless Khan‘ for bringing white shirts into vogue. Don’t be surprised if your boyfriend buys you one of those and sets up a sprinkler system in the garden.
• Most painful lyrics of the year: This award had to goto the title song of the movie ‘Shakalaka boom’. Those who want to contest this award will have to explain the meaning of the phrase shaka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka laka, Shaka laka boom boom. It first appeared to be a cheap take on the Thalaivar’s laka laka laka from Chandramukhi, However I realised it was a product of Himessing.
• Cochlea damaging music of the year: Well the lejund of b-grade moosik was back with a bang this year after having sung some surprisingly good songs for V&S in Taxi 9211 and ARR in Guru. It’s a pleasure to announce this years award to the person who instated this category in the first place. Ladeej and Juntalmen it is none other than the great Bappida for making our ears bleed to his tunes for the movie ‘Gadha Mar Gaya‘.
• Unsupporting actors award: Jayaji makes a rather surprising entry into the world of horrible cinema, but for sewing rags every time she wants to cry(which was always!) and kicking her elder daughter out of the younger ones wedding, we give the award to her so-called stellar performance in ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘. The Deols have always been patrons of bad cinema and Bobby continues the legacy with his painful performances in ‘Shakalaka Boom’ and ‘Jhoom Barabar Jhoom‘. Sadly both movies were about dancing, a virtue that is alien to the men of the Deol household. If any of you wish to contest my choice then don’t forget there was ‘Kaun hain Jaisalmer‘, ‘Naqaab‘ and ‘Apne‘ as well.
• Forgetful comeback of the year: This is my favorite for it goes to an actor who himself forgot it was his comeback appearance. In a year of comebacks right from Govinda to Madhuri, also claimed to have seen Jugal Hansraj making a brief appearance in ‘Naaja Bachle‘. Somebody please tell him that he was in the movie.
• Unbearable actor of the year: It’s been a wonderful year for bad cinema with some good actors also making handsome contributions. For his role of a sleepy eyed writer called ‘Doc’ in ‘Kaash‘ and the most unbearable portrayal of ‘Heeru’ in ‘RGV ki Bhaag‘, the years most prestigeous award goes to national award recipient Ajay Devgan. Amongst the women Rani Mukherjee takes the cake for completing a hattrick of tawaif roles with ‘Lag gaya sar mein dard‘ and ‘Saava variya‘, ‘Uncle Gaandey‘ being the first.
• Most treacherous film of the year: This was the easiest and a unanimous choice, setting the trend for bad movies. It’s become a cult movie of sorts drawing parallels to movies like Gunda and Loha. Bhaiyon aur unke Beheno put your hands together for RGV and his Bhaag, as this year’s winner for the award of the most treacherous film of the year.
• Most Disgruntled Director of the year: After making a movie like ‘Black Friday‘ that earned its place amongst the best of the year, Anurag Kashyap doesn’t satisfy the connoisseurs of bad cinema by dishing out a movie like never before and never again. Probably 10 years from now, audiences may understand the movie after watching it 20-30 times but it went over my head after a dual encore. Without an iota of doubt the award for this year goes to Anurag Kashyap for ‘No Smoking‘.
• Out-of-sync Singer of the year: There are singers and then there is Himes Bhai. But then there is a man who is a level higher than everyone, he is none other than the pappi-chor Mika Singh. For parading poetry recitation and synchronized dialogs as singing, the award goes to Mika for ‘Aye Ganpat‘ from ‘Shootout at Lokhandwala‘.
• Unplayable screenplay of the year: For the most construed series of events unfolding in the name of cinema with cliched indo-brit sentiments and an underdog story that defies logic with potbellied men running across a football field, the award goes to the team of ‘Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal‘.
• Horrendous actor in a negative performance: This category had many promising nominees, but then the youth in me is biased towards the shockingly endowed and allergic to apparel, Mona/Sherlyn Chopra. Here I wish to clarify that it’s not for the reasons mentioned above but for her role as a psychotic, mentally ill and serial killing whore in the film ‘Red Swastika‘. You might be thinking “who is he trying to fool”, lekin sach keh raha hoon…. lol!
• Non-Existent story of the year: It has been a fantastic year for bad cinema with great names doing the needful, and Sanjay Leela Bhansali has condescended to give us a story that begun and ended without any change. It takes sheer talent and great dedication to write a story that spans three hours and yet leaves everything like it was, untouched. We need to encourage such manuscripts and they shall serve as inspiration to the millions of small time writers. Please join me in applauding SLB for his commendable contribution to bad cinema and giving us India’s first blue film.
• Intolerable actor in a comic role: There were plenty of hopefuls for this award, cheap and crude humor being the forte of bad cinema. Please don’t accuse me for being a bhakta of sleaze, but I am tempted to give the award to Rakhi Sawant for exposing the casting couch that exists in the industry. When someone fornicates with not one but four corpses under the pretext of struggling in ‘Gadha mar gaya‘, it sure is funny and worthy of praise.
• Lifetime under-achievement award: There have been many wannabes but then there is the lejund. For selectively picking bad roles and essaying them with utmost imperfection, this year’s award goes to Anupam Kher. What did he do this year? you may ask. Well for acting dead in a lifeless movie and being brave enough to fornicate with Rakhi Sawant, for playing the role of a cliched small town bollywood father and coughing so much that his germs spread onto the screen and infected the movie, ‘Gadha mar gaya’, and ‘Lag gaya chunari main bhang’

Well these were the Dandanakka awards for this year and I hope to do the same next year as well. Some of you may not approve of my choices, but are free to go ahead and voice your opinion. After having watched exactly 50 movies across Hindi, Tamizh, Telugu and enduring the most painful experience known to mankind, I broke the penance with this much needed and refreshing movie. With ‘Krazzy 4’ and ‘U me aur Hum’ releasing over the weekend, the dark side is tempting me again and I might set my eyes on the three figure mark!